Mr Self Destruct
by Corroded Faith
Summary: Heero Yui. Completely detached from his former comrades, left with one task, to collect and assemble the pieces of his shattered life. The Preventers' uneasy with Heero's status sends one of their officers to seek him out, Duo. His personal account.
1. September 21st, AC 197 commence

salutations, forgive the verbose introduction, but i conjectured a makeshift prologue was required. this is not a fanfiction, persay, it reads like one, though. it was engendered for the role-play blog of heero yui, made of my portrayal of his personal experiences from day to day. which is still on going, forgive the inconsistencies of my prose, as the weeks elapsed my writing manner has altered, again i apologize. for faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com. i hope that you find some enjoyment taken from this project, thank you very much! commentary would be very much appreciated! take care!  
  
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09/21/AC 197 [ commence ]  
  
i am still unsure of the reasoning behind going forth with this. in fact i am mostly reticent, so choosing to document my emotions is an action derived from obscurity. perhaps it is to attempt to identify who i truly am, not the fallacious self that the didactic influences created. no matter, here i am. actually ... i now believe i inadvertently detached myself from the others because of my growing infatuation in searching for the authentic mind set of heero yui. besides, i had no intention of joining any group affiliated with the military, no matter its objective. it is selfish, yes. but i do not want to be faced with the chance of killing another human being.   
  
so those decisions have lead to my current location and situation. i left with only notifying few, if any. and i then immersed myself in society, not taking part, being peripheral yet observant. on a whim, i stopped my erratic wandering, and relocated to colony sx05, and simply stayed. apparently my presence did not unnoticed, a week after my arrival a check from the earth sphere alliance appeared on the doorstep of my makeshift living environment. money for my previous services, blood money. are they trying to buy me off so i will never go against them? or attempting to give back the life they exploited. i have digressed. with that money, that i was not too content on spending, it enabled me to rent a decent apartment, adjacent to a high school ...   
  
maybe out of sheer boredom, and with no intentions of obtaining and maintaining a mundane job. i enrolled. it has been awkward yet bitterly amusing how my peers are oblivious to what i have done. a check finds its way to me every month, just enough to sustain my life. and that is how it occurred.   
  
  
  
  
commence. [ 12:28 a.m. ] 


	2. September 22nd, AC 197 solitude

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
09/22/AC 197 [ solitude ]  
  
a banal day. nothing more. is it bad for me to relish in the simple tasks. not being bombarded with with life altering dilemmas. returning to nothingness has been quite auspicious on my psyche, very hedonistic on my part though. but i enjoy not having the scrutiny looming over my head wherever i wander. like an incident that happened today some girl wasn't paying attention to the instructor, and outside of class inquired what was the assignment for the night, i answered. she responded with gratitude, and i smiled somewhat and nodded my head. there was no questioning of my action. i know it may not come natural, but why did they insist on me showing emotions, yet when i did, they recoil. i do not understand.   
  
i am just now aware of how sterile my apartment is. a bed, computer desk, and stereo, adorned with scattered books. mostly philosophy books, fuel for my quest to understand how humans normally function. currently i am reading norman o. brown's, life against death. the subjects are intriguing, that mankind is largely unaware of its own desires, hostile to life, and unconsciously bent of self-destruction. it stirs something within me. but reading, isn't living. i lack experience ... another night alone, it's starting to bother me now.   
  
commence. [ 6:21 p.m. ] 


	3. September 23rd, AC 197 aspiration

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
09/23/AC 197 [ aspiration ]  
  
my current situation engenders yet another conflict, i am getting bored. at the same time, though, i obtain an acute trepidation for the continuity of my life being interrupted. friedrich nietzsche stated that boredom is a sign of divinity, loosely based on the biblical fact that god stopped creation on the seventh day. so man, in his image feels dissatisfied at times with his conditions. this enables such a desire from within to believe this is so, that my disfavor for life proves that my mindset is actually above an animal trained to kill. i doubt it though, i just have less minor details to keep me occupied. such as my peers at my school, so intent on applying their lives to frivolous standardized assignments, that in actuality have no purpose at all. i speak with a bias though, they are attempting to aspire to their purpose in life. i have already fulfilled mine. so i do the work only when i have the will. it frustrates a few of my teachers, some even taking me aside, telling me i am that i am squandering away my potential. hah, their grades mean nothing to me.   
  
in fact my only comfort, my only dreams consist of my death. and the obsolete wishing that i met my end during the war. after composing my last entry, the night before, my only disposition was going to bed, but after i shut off my computer, i could not will myself to move. i just sat there idle. with my stereo emitting carl orff's primo vere. a very pensive solemn piece, exalting. my arms went lax, and hung at the side of my chair, fingers barely brushing the wood flooring. my head slumped back, and with listless eyes i stared aimlessly at the ceiling. i envisioned my death, once again. this time so much more vivid. on the edge, still vacillating between life and death. but i soon met the embrace of the fall, the wind caressing ever crevasse of my body, the mock anticipation, and the serenity of it all. and as the chorus swelled for the last time, i opened my eyes and burst out in malice laughter. i don't remember closing my eyes.   
  
  
commence. [ 8:25 p.m. ] 


	4. September 24th, AC 197 complication

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
09/24/AC 197 [ complication ]  
  
i do not know how to interpret this emotions coercing jaggedly through my thoughts. he just negligently strolled in that classroom, in my life. so blatantly. bastard. i suppose this proves how expendable i am. he did not even have the decency not to direct his stare at me, or not to even attempt to act surprised standing before that room. he knew i would be there. even proceeded to take the unoccupied seat to the side of me, and boldly insinuated that i looked as if i was suffering. numb. i could not look at him, so many thoughts screaming inside my head. i could not function. i am still enduring that, but its severity is diminishing, slowly. without even considering the repercussions i stood amidst the teacher's incoherent scolding of me for lack of participation. and averting my eyes from everyone, i maneuvered my way between the desks and to the door. i was unable to repress my emotions. i feel ashamed, now. i did not notice that i had slammed the door in till i heard booming stir sweep through the empty halls.  
  
much to my better judgment i did not leave after that, i lingered. for him? to see him again ... did i. at lunch i was anything but elusive. he was able to locate me with ease, duo's ambulatory was less that discreet, waltzing through the cafeteria. why does he relish in others attention, just to get a reaction? to justify he is truly alive? foolishness. and again he had to gall to impose himself on me, as if it were nothing, as if i were nothing. i couldn't take his pathetic attempts to invoke me to speak any longer.   
  
"what are you doing here?" i sternly interjected. he didn't seem caught off by the question, but rather dreading its arrival all along. he eluded my question, and before he would initiate a verbose list of half truths, i deterred him, and dully stated, "nevermind." after a pause, he tried again, but denounced it and when the bell diverted his attention, i left.  
  
he stood in this very apartment, within these bare walls. when he followed me home, i offered no objection, and no amity. the phrase, what am i doing, did continuously roll through my thoughts. upon arrival, the only courtesy i showed was that i did not close the door behind me, duo closed it. behind him. it was more then awkward, he has been the only other homo sapien in my apartment other than myself since i began inhabiting this place. he then superficially made note of my books. but i only urged with my question from before. again he paid no heed. before i was even consider my words. "you know, for someone who never lies, you sure run from the truth," i snapped.  
  
infuriated he declared, "if you don't want me here, i'll just leave".   
  
"leave then". the words so simple and just flowed. he hastily left, and slammed the door while proceeding with his exit. i stood there, in dismay, almost. eyes locked on that door. i flinched when a sudden force caused the door to reverberate. an icy chill passed through my spine. i still do not know feel at this moment. but i do know, i feel more empty now, then before duo's arrival.  
  
  
  
commence. [ 8:45 p.m. ] 


	5. September 25th, AC 197 lamentation

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09/25/AC 197 [ lamentation ]  
  
i did not sleep well last night. my mind was reeling. it thwarted away the lull of sleep. which i so desperately longed for. i was rudely awaken throughout the night, every hour or two. untill the point i gave up, and sat up erect, but no where near alert. i must have sat there for an hour, doing nothing more. trying so hard to cease the torrent of outcries that swelled my thoughts. no reasoning. after that prolonged pause. i raised my hand over my face, and slowly, rigidly, swept my fingertips over my face. lachrymation ensued. i convulsed, was my emotional void transgressing into physical lamentation.   
  
the hues of dawn crept in before i forced myself to cease. abruptly i stood up, and proceeded to dress myself. enabling me to catch a glimpse of my reflection, my crimson trimmed eyes with the baggage to match were more then simply noticeable, over imposed even. i attempt the soothe my ravaged appearance by applying frigid water to my features, with no avail. weaved my hand through the mess of my hair, and picked up my binder off the floor, where i threw it down yesterday, the papers protruding at odd angles.   
  
i left, and walked to school. an hour before the expected arrival time. i stood there, out of place, alone. the school almost looked serene with its inhabitants misplaced. i took the first step and continued walking, leaving that place. i had no preferred direction. my feet were in a mindless rhythm, i don't know how long i walked for. but i ended up on the brink of a park, amidst this urban environment. it doesn't belong, either do i. i could muse further, how the park was artificially made, distorted, for the whims of the colonies. i walked through the trees that shouldn't be, intill finding some random maple. sitting under it, lolling my head my back against the stiff bark, eyes silted. it struck me how similar this place was to the groomed plot of land, were i relished in my fleeting accomplishment. years ago. i then diverted my attention the binder in my hands, and the untainted sheets concealed within. with pen hanging so meticulously on the inside flap. i wrote. senseless things, perhaps that i can understand individually but not as a whole.   
  
being in that replica of the scene of my crime, made my longing for death more potent. but no one has persecuted me for my offenses. no one has brought me death, or revenge. so i can only bring forth the most harsh punishment i can think of. to endure this life.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 9:09 p.m. ] 


	6. September 26th, AC 197 omission

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
09/26/AC 197 [ omission ]  
  
he was not there today. my slumber last night was not agitated, just hollow. the isolation engrossing me again, intertwining, overwhelming my other senses, revenging its fleeting defeat. when i awoke, i really did not decide whether or not i would circulate, to school and back. i just did. i discarded my clothes and proceeded into the shower. i was in there for a considerable period, an excessive amount of time elapsed that caused me to become behind schedule. it did not phase me much, i proceeded at an unaltered rate. with my foot i guided the scattered used clothes in a pile near the closet, which my damp towel soon joined. after randomly picking my attire for the day, conservative and bland as usual i grabbed my binder off the computer desk, then, i left.   
  
school must have only been in succession for five minutes at the most, i mused that if i actually rushed i would have been able to arrive accordingly. steps from reaching the door i braced myself for his overbearing presence, but as i halfheartedly opened the door, he was not there. that instructor stopped in mid-sentence and focused on me, which in turn, perplexed all the students, soon almost every set of eyes imbued a glimmer of my reflection. he gestured for his teacher's aid to improvise, and walked towards me.   
  
"heero, may i have a word with you outside." it was not a question. my gaze lingered upon duo's empty desk for a few moments, before i turned and passed through that door again, not even having the decency to acknowledge the command. he shut the door with an excessive amount of care. and proceeded to question my absence yesterday, and the reasoning behind that incident the day before that. silence settled in, yet i continued to hold his stare, perhaps even match his intensity. it unnerved him, i could tell. his eyes dropped briefly, then pressed on to receive his answer.   
  
"you wouldn't understand." i simply stated lacking all emotion. his brow softer somewhat. it took a moment to register, i just caught myself repeating that stereotypical overused phrase spoken between all adolescence and adults. a bitterly amused grin crept upon my lips. he said my name with a question implied. i repeated that phrase again, this time lightheartedly, shaking my head slightly from side to side, repressing laugh. i believe this reaction intrigued and disturbed him the most. he finally faltered and allowed me to return to class. is it wrong for me to believe that statement is completely justified in my case. still in awe of myself for saying that, i took my seat, adjacent to that unoccupied desk.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 8:58 p.m. ] 


	7. September 27th, AC 197 interaction

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. comment please? take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
09/27/AC 197 [ interaction ]  
  
this day, i awoke unenthusiastic as ever. seemingly my life had returned to its original course, and i was suffering an acute pang of dissatisfaction because of this. my walk to school, i was trying my best to abstain from such feelings. but the truth was painstakingly obvious everywhere i turned, if not because of that, simply because i was alone. my mind drifted, my precision was reducing with each absent step, my books and binder lethargically cradled close to my side. swaying slightly with each footfall. perhaps, more than half complete in my transit, an ungodly screech of tires came from the direct right side of me, followed by a subtle gust of air, as the huge mass of an automobile halted to an unplanned stop. the lack luster bumper inches from my thigh. i felt the lids of my eyes recede, relieving the normally unseen whites. i tried to conceal the sudden flood of shock with a cold glare at my almost assailant, but as my sight homed in on the driver, i realized i was familiar with this person.   
  
not only duo had suddenly entered my life, he nearly took it by operating that dented machine with the same amount of speed. i leered at him longer than it was necessary. he recoiled deeper into the seat, hands still firmly clenching the steering wheel. i continued my path, thoughts and accusations heighten on the remainder of my way to school, as did my caution. it was obvious duo was sent here, it all seemed too convenient for him. maybe his intentions were to kill me, and with his guile, he would seemingly use that car to accidentally enable my death. of course ... i am still alive and with my emotions beside, why did he act so particular before?   
  
i arrived to class before him, assuming today he would show up. he did. he and the teacher exchanged words, that man ... what are his intentions? i know i have had to endure his numerous confrontations since i arrived. he does not bestow them on the other students, maybe he can weed out the mentally deranged. my attempts to pay an unnoticeable amount of attention to duo, were in vain. i studied him as he walked across the front of the classroom. having to will myself not to angle my head to further view at him. he had taken the same seat as before. but this time he hadn't attempted to converse with me. the instructor began to introduce our next project, a research paper. subject: operation meteor, and the shift of power between united earth sphere alliance and oz. this should be interesting ... i looked at duo to see if his reaction matched my own, in any form. he seemed unresponsive, adrift in his own world.   
  
the instructor added that this is a group assignment, two people were the minimal in a group. people instantaneously stood up and shuffled about, producing their desired unions. duo and i remained idle. i believe he noticed we havd not even attempted movement, and in our despite, asked, "is there anyone who does not have a partner?" duo's hand and my hand simultaneously crept up in the air. and appeased very much with himself, "problem solved," spoken with a wry smile. i cannot really justified my next actions, or why i felt the sudden urge to go forth with them.   
  
"i do not feel comfortable being paired up with someone, who nearly ran me over with their vehicle." i uttered, barely touching upon the intended jest. i doubt if he knew i was attempting to make joke, the reaction would have differed.   
  
"well maybe if you were watching were you were going" he quickly defended himself.   
  
"well maybe if you did not have that mop of hair obstructing your view." i calmly stated, emphasizing the the words: well maybe if. he stood over me, amidst class, rattling off his defense, accusations, and a conclusion. i stared up at him, mockingly wide eyed, as if i was actually weighing and considering his words ... i suppose bantering is not something to attempt.   
  
i did not see him at lunch, so i resorted to retiring to the library. though i saw him again, at the end of school, leaving for home. with a smirk plastered upon his lips he inquired if i would like a ride. my reply was not an answer, rather a false questioning that he was actually permitted to drive. i doubt he was fully committed to his words, especially judging from his reaction when i proceeded to get into the car. the air was tense in that confined space with him, i blurted out some remark belittling his choice of music. i was trying too hard ... though i doubt he would act so kindly to bach, beethoven, or orff. he drove like he had a death wish, i bitterly mused perhaps it was mine. but i do believe the smarter choice was to be in the metal cage, then having it plow you over.   
  
he reached my apartment complex with ease, making me wonder if perhaps he truly had been there only once before. when i got out of the car, and shut the door, i heard an echo or seemingly so. just as when i walked up the stairs, another pair of feet shadowed my own. i wonder why he so willing put himself into yet another awkward situation. i sat in the lone chair, next to the computer desk, and he perched himself upon the kitchen counter top. when the superficial conversation burnt out, he began to rhythmically pound his heels into the wooden panel. i diverted all of my attention solely upon him. a few moments after he became aware, he inquired, "is that bothering you?" smiling. i offered no response, just continued my fixated stare. he hunched over slightly, then began pounding his heels at an even faster rate this time with absolutely no constant pattern. when finished with his ballad, he looked up again, greeted by my eyes, i repressed a smile.   
  
he stayed awhile longer, i had to completely go over the assignment with him. apparently he was not paying attention, as i predicted. he only knew we are partners. his response to the subject was unexpected, in fact he seemed more bored by it. saying somewhere along the lines, just because i fought in a war, doesn't mean i understood it. lingering on a few syllables. he left soon afterwards.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 11:32 p.m. ] 


	8. September 28th, AC 197 justification

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. comment please? take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
09/28/AC 197 [ justification ]  
  
is it just me, or did this school week to be most excessively abundant. the flow of time seemed agonizingly long, depleted to solitary drops. leaving me to over analyze everything and dwell upon my life drenched with regret. today i slept in surprisingly, missing the artificial dawn, i am so enamored with. just before noon approached, i left my home, and retraced my steps to that park. again i carried my binder at my side. this time being conscious of my direction and surroundings, i took note that it takes just under thirty minutes to commute there by foot. i found that same lone maple again, and sat under it's rusting leaves. extracting my paper and writing utensil, the pen stayed poised over the untainted paper, not one fluid motion ensued. the words were not as supple as the time before, i finally retired my attempts. sliding the blank paper back in a loose folder that my binder retained, before my previous writing endeavors. with nothing to do, and the not having the desire to return home so soon, i simply laid back on the ground, softened by the grass between.   
  
here is where i lost track of time. i attempted desperately to recall my beloved melodies by my much admired composers. and replay them in my head, but my thoughts kept drowning out the music. i really do not have to express the irony of staring up, aimlessly, on a colony, so many do it everyday. were one is taught the sky should be, a thin layer of man produced clouds reveals ground above you, buildings' roof tops facing you. surreal almost. sitting up, it was again reinforced that this place was too nostalgic to that incident years past. where that young girl and i held that chance meeting. i wonder if her soul still screams of my foul, that ended her life ... it was getting too much to bare. i left with haste, hands in jacket pocket, managing to secure my binder between my elbow and the side of my body. my eyes were downcast the entire time, if some woman had not carelessly walked into my side, my eyes would have never averted, and never have seen him, coming from the opposite direction.   
  
i quickly resorted to acting like i was never notified of his presence, and proceed to walk forward. "hey buddy boy." not enthused enough to deserve an exclamation mark, but still with amity, and a twinge of emotion i couldn't determine. i mustered a hello, failing to match his tone of kindness, but ceasing my movement, and turning to face him. which was not necessary, because he switched his direction to match mine, and was already walking foward. my first footfalls were rushed in attempts to accelerate to his pace. he inquired into my current condition, i believe i falsely stated fine with disdain, not for the question but the lie i was telling. i countered with the same question. his answer was vague, but hinting that he was good.   
  
with my apartment in sight. "should we work on the project today?"he queried, voice thinly distributed. i looked at him questioningly, wondering why he was so docile on starting it, and more so because he seemed so uninterested in the subject matter. my past already taunted me today, i was not really eager to prod the sore wound any further. but i never offered my consent, or an objection. steadily, we ascented the steps. it was becoming some sort of ritual, climbing the flight of steps. i, always, in the lead, the conversation always ceased, and i never shut the door, he did. he entered more welcomed, than before. not seeking a gesture of approval as he took off his jacket, and tossed in on tiled kitchen counter top. and began to freely scrutinized my apartment. so it was bare, i will give him that.   
  
i switched power to the computer, and as it was going through starting sequences, duo sat himself on floor, a few feet from the desk. it was apparent that he was alreadly growing restless, fidgeting, and looking around erratically. i tried not to take notice and began searching for quotable resources. i heard a shuffle, and as i turned my head, i found that duo had crawled across the floor to my stacked books, scattered, some towers reaching up to two feet. he picked one randomly, and set it before him, apathetically flipping through the pages, mauling it even. i spun the chair, so that my body would be fully facing him. he looked up, grinned. and proceeded to pick up the book by a corner of its hard back cover, dangling it in mid air. a gesture of rejection and disgust, and stated amused with himself, "there's no pictures."   
  
a few minutes later, i asked him, staring at the computer screen, if we were actually partners, because i seemed to be doing all the work. he protested. "you didn't tell me what to do!" i questioned in to why i had to tell him what to do. his response, " like i know what the fuck we are suppose to do!" he laughed, "you were the one paying attention!" i grunted, then asked him to dictate the project's syllabus to me, "okay, okay. i got this. umm ... " he scanned the paper, and began to paraphrase it, "what were the objections of operation meteor, why did the colony citizens initiate such drastic measures, what affect did it have on the world sphere alliance, and did the gundam mobile suits hinder or aid oz ... blah. blah. blah..." he finished and tossed the paper on the floor. his actions caused my blood to run cold. i stared at him in disbelief.   
  
"how can you be so ..."   
  
"apathetic." he finished, and answered with a smile. "what's the loss of one life to me , death." i reminded that thousands of lives perished. he shrugged. i believe my eyes narrowed, and stayed solely upon him, potent with contempt and scorn. i finally turned my chair around coldly, and sighed. dead silence for almost an hour. in till he finally asked if i could turn on music while he read out of the text book, which i complied. he raised an eyebrow as bach's jesus bleibet meine freude emitted from the speakers, and grimaced when so aber christus in euch followed.   
  
"it sounds like the beginning of mass." he uttered softly, in response the chorus of voices.   
  
"i should think you would be used to it." i dully stated in defense of my musical preference. i seemed to brush upon an exposed nerve, because he immediately he silenced, and refused to make eye contact with me. i felt a twinge of guilt, and decided i should not speak any more, further focusing on the task at hand. later, i snuck a glance at him, to notice he was laying down flat, propping his head up on the text book, asleep. i took a double take, to insure i was correct. but this time, i was fixated not on him, but his jacket, beyond where he lay. quickly i looked down at him again, noting that his wallet would probably not be in his back pocket, this jeans were too tight fitting. a mortal dilemma. the urge to rummage through his jacket, tempted me further. i cautiously rolled the chair somewhat from the desk, turning it, so i could remove my legs from under the desk unscathed. i stood, and meticulous placed each foot fall, as i approached the kitchen. looking back at duo one last time, as a precaution, before i sifted through his jacket.   
  
my hand met the leather of his wallet. in the inner left breast pocket. i removed it, then proceeded to open it. a cheesy smile of his meet me, so they did actually give him a license. i pulled on the sides of wallet, not too much money. something caught my eye. a folded photograph, i extended my thumb to guide it upwards, and grabbed it with my other hand. setting the wallet down on counter, i unfolded the photo, something slide down and fell to the floor, before getting a look at the picture, i bend down and picked up what seemed to be a laminated card. an identification card. duo's preventer i.d. card. i knew this was coming, though i willed myself not to believe it, but it still came in my despite. i felt betrayed, i suddenly became so crestfallen. but then my eyes moved from the card to the photo, a picture of duo and i together. i felt numb.   
  
it was at least two hours before he woke. night had fallen. i waited and watched him sleep. his wallet in one hand, and his preventer card in the other. at the first sign he was stirring, i stood over him, my feet on either side of his chest. my hand extending, looming over his head. so as soon as his eyes cracked he saw a mirror image of himself, of that card. his eye lids receded faster and wider then anyone would normally do so. he looked up bewildered, shocked, and maybe even apologetic. i think my glare hardened, i shifted my body and walked back to the chair, and heavily sat down, staring at him intently. he scrabbled to his feet. and even took a step back. my glare never relented.   
  
"how long were you leering at me? " he said nevorously.   
  
"how long have you been a preventer ." i stated dully, directly after his question. he opened his mouth to protest, but i threw the wallet back at him, he caught it, effortlessly. " my beautiful liar. did you think i did not know? " spilled from my lips, it was more of a statement then a question. he remained silent. i smiled widely despite myself, and shook my head. a pause. i suppose to alleviate some tension, or perhaps he was angry i stumbled upon his scheme, he mustered.   
  
"don't you know it's rude to go through people stuff? "   
  
  
  
commence. [ 9:55 p.m. ] 


	9. September 29th, AC 197 frustration

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. comment please? take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
09/29/AC 197 [ frustration ]  
  
i did not leave my house today, which was part of my normal weekend routine, before he intruded my life. in fact on this sabbath, the whole day i stayed in my sleep attire, loose cotton pants and a plain white short sleeved t-shirt. alone. quite honestly, i do not know a single person on this godforsaken colony. besides him. i never noticed how isolated i am in till i experienced an ounce of human contact, ironic. in fact ever since he came my sanity has suffered direly. i resent him for that. no matter. i stayed in bed for the majority of the day. scanning my bare room countless times, it is essentially empty. with the exception of the bedding, mattress, box spring, which is pushed to a corner, on the floor. the hidden growing pile of dirty clothes in the closet, the thick layer of dust. i realized, i ceased all attempts at house maintaining chores in the last week.  
  
not to mentioned my stomach ached with hungry. that, which was the final factor that stirred me from my comatose state. i covered the distance between my bed and the refrigerator. upon cracking open the floor, releasing that flood of hollow light that tainted the pallor of my skin. empty. except for the rotting contents of a carton of milk. "fuck." i yelled at the inatimate object, while slamming the door shut. i know now i was frustrated with everything, i hated everything. i faltered, my knees buckled. i when careening into the refrigerator. my cheek slammed against the dirty plastic panel. i kept that position for at least a minute. at an odd angle, my face, my chest pressed up against the doors. suddenly i repelled my body with all my available strength. it sent me stumbling backwards, the small of my back barely missing the corner of the counter. i regained my stepping, then sneered.  
  
i walked past my stacks of books, no, they are more of a pile, a mess. and amidst this unorder, one oddly seemed out of place. i stood over them with contempt, i knelt down, and reached for it. with my fingers loosenly clutching the book, i rose. and turned it upwards. the title, it was the one duo was pawing at, the day before. i cradled the book in my hands and sat down in the chair. i started to read it. a book i had already read, a book i did not particularly like. i believe i got to page one hundred and thirty two when my eyes first darted to the drawer. i resisted. focusing on the small ink blots on the paper. again my eyes shot back to the drawer, i set the book on my lap and reached to pull it open. i may have given his wallet back, but i did not give him back his card nor his photograph. i stared at the items. each one a huge contradiction of each other. his card, obviously, he was sent here, to most likely to act like big brother. but the photograph, taken when we were both fifteen. he had his arm drapped around my shoulder. him. making a display for the camera. i can see the discomfort in those boy's eyes, my eyes two years younger. i suddenly became repulsed by the mere sight of me. why was duo carrying this around. what did this mean to him. just what is his intent?   
  
without a trigger. i grew enraged. i clenched the edges of the book, my knuckles soon grew pale. i rapidly raised it over my head, and in a fluid motion brought my arms forward, instantaneously releasing my grasp, sending it into my other books. which toppled all the high stacks, it made my collection even more of an eye sore. i proceeded into the bathroom, and immersed my features in cool water, brought forth from my hands. my head grew light, my fell back on to the toilet seat. i propped my head against the wall, the water in my hair, running down my face. i briefly leaned my head forward then brought it back into the wall. absently, with an excessive amount of force. the pain seeped into other regions of my body, i closed my eyes. at some point i brought my hand to my crotch, and wove it between the layers of clothes. coaxing the highly susceptible flesh. i never felt comfortable in touching myself. my hand lacks human ease, stimulation is difficult. and also it is hard to fool yourself sometimes. culmination occurred. no clean towels. my cotton pants substituted.  
  
  
  
commence. [ 10:48 p.m. ] 


	10. September 30th, AC 197 animosity

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. comment please? take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
09/30/AC 197 [ animosity ]  
  
the same mundane routine every morning. on mondays i always overheard incessant whines about having to attend school, i empathize now. my fifteen minute commute to school each week day i am acquiring an acute distaste for it. so much time for thoughts to manifest and swell. for example, considering my actions yesterday, how appalling. but this is what i wanted, is it not? to feel natural emotions, to feel human. too bad i did not consider my mentality is probably warped. and i simply cannot handle raw emotions, the truth screams at me. and ambiguity causes me pain. it feels like every breath is, forced. every pump of my heart, false. every emotion, artificial. i loathe what i have become, and i hate what i am becoming.   
  
i arrived to school somewhat early, no one to converse with, no where to go but class. the instructor and i exchanged glances, as i maneuvered to my seat. i sat down, ten minutes to the first toll of the bell. i sit in the front, now even a row of desks to provide a shield from his scrutiny. i found myself watching the door intently, a distraction? or maybe i was waiting his arrival. but the instructor soon diverted my attention.   
  
"heero, how is duo's and your project coming along?" he said after taking a sip of his offer. us being the only two bodies inhabiting the classroom, it would be impossible to ignore him. i stared at him briefly, while sorting through the possible answers. i raised my brow, and thinly affirmed.   
  
"great." he took another sip of his coffee before setting it down. and smirked at me. i think i released some irritated snort and sharply looked away. the other students soon started to file in. a minute before the appointed time, i concluded he was not coming. well before i heard the rushed shuffle of footsteps. yet that demeanor fainted as he walked before me, and took his seat. no greeting, that was not my normal department. his focus was only before him. the more i leered at him, the more he embodied all my anger. he may have triggered it, but it was not his fault, not entirely, that, i am not adept i still blame him though. my gaze lingered on his choice attire, reminiscent to two years ago.   
  
"did you happen to attend mass yesterday?" i malevolently taunted. my animosity taking shape of words. it unnerved him. i was denied my desired reaction. infact i believe i hurt him. more out of frustration, i uttered the word hypocrite softly, and disengaged in all interaction with him for the rest of the period.   
  
in till i saw him again, i felt a confliction. was i too cruel? too cold? i made up my mind as soon as saw him. i was holding a great intolerance for him, knowing why he came. yet knowing nothing at all. i analyzed every movement he conducted. he was there before me, i did not sit by him. i overheard a rumor of that weird braided newcomer running out of a fourth period class. he looked unscathed. i was staring at him, so it was obvious, all the attempts he made to look back at me. i was not the only one who noticed. "duo, I advise you to pay attention." the teacher dictated. duo froze. "i know you may find rachelle attractive, but you can't afford to ignore your studies." he was referring to girl in front of me. laugther erupted from the class. the girl relished in the attention, but acted politely embarrassed. i saw through the charade. i was not amused. in fact soon grew fixated at her blonde teased hair, repulsive. by the time reality caught up with me i realized duo was proceeding to draw more attention himself.   
  
"it's up my ass." duo boldly stated in definace to the teacher, in regards to his homework location. idiot. he recieved my peers fickle approval. but it soon swayed as he received his detention notice. he looked back at me, curious of my reaction. i crossed my arms and subtly shook my head from side to side. why must he always be the center of attention. the period expired. duo collected his possessions and left, i lingered. that girl was talking away to one of her half witted cohorts, if i lingered here it would be too obvious. i slowly proceeded to leave, but resided just outside of the door frame, propping my back against the wall. i heard her jarring laughter. she was approaching. i had thrust my foot in the entry way, obstructing her path. my center of gravity unaltered, hers was not so propitious. she met the floor with a loud twang. her papers and books scattered upon the floor. my malicious laugher echoed through the halls. i still do not feel guilty.   
  
by the time i arrived home my amusement dwindled. and certain self loathing filled the void. i discarded my binder and books, and gathered my soiled clothes and other material made possesions into a garbage bag, proceeding to trudge them down to a close laundry mat. boring and tedious, i enabled the purifying of all the items. folded them and secured them in the opaque plastic bag. on my dreaded journey home, i took notice of a furniture shop, an intense reminder of my living conditions. i stood before the window, still contemplating whether or not to venture in. i did. the bell tied to the door rang. i was out of place as ever with my plastic bag and its contents in my grasp. two store clerks lightly took notice of me, then continue in their conversation. i stood before them, silently. patience wavering as they continued to ignore me. the woman finally stopped, more out of irritation with my presence.   
  
"yes?" she offered, staring at me blankly.   
  
"i need to furnish my house." i stated, shifting the weight of the bag in my hand. she raised an eyebrow.   
  
"what do you need?" she asked, directing her full attention to me. "everything." i beseeched. she nearly laughed. money, i had plenty of it. i had no desire to spend it on frivolous things before. so it was there, collecting, the purchasing necessities not even making a dent. i placed the orders. they should be delivered in under a week. i went back, and began to prudently clean what i had of a home. i still have homework to complete.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 10:54 p.m. ] 


	11. October 1st, AC 197 saccharin

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. comment please? take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
10/01/AC 197 [ saccharin ]  
  
i awoke roughly around five in the morning. my whole body was convulsing with the embrace of the inclemency. so cold. i think personally think that it is futile spending inexplicable sums of money to replicate the seasons for colonies. ignoring the people in financial plight, so they can enable the masses to suffer from the superficial elements that they readily bestow upon us. my rise from my semi tepid sheets was forced, completely undesired. though ... no one is pressuring me to do this. why all of it then. i shook those feelings away, and then originated a shower. the choosing of my attire for the day was more natural considering i had a multitude of selections, verus when the majority of wardrobe was on the floor, the day before. loose fitting dark azure denim jeans and a black long sleeved shirt with a white under shirt.  
  
my standardize traverse to school was seemingly ordinary. well intill i approached the section of sidewalk where duo almost induced physical harm upon me with his vehicle. i ceased all motion. and turned to the right, staring upward at the building. he must live here, i convinced myself. altering my path, stepping into the apartment complex's forum. i scanned the mailboxes; maxwell #27. simple as it was. i turned and gaze uncertainly at the building formation for quite sometime. an adamantine exhort arose in my core, a distinct desire to venture brazenly to his domain. my weight shifted as i completed the first footfall. it was a surreal sensation as i was underwent the locating of the front door. as if i was being lulled by intense presence, fate's pawn.   
  
before the threshold, no sign of life within. would it be uncanny if i had told you i gained entrance by sliding his preventer identification card through the narrow slit, between the door and the frame. the door went ajar, a wave of adrenaline washed over my muscles. i stepped inside. the room was opaque, but i was able to see the dim form of a body residing within the sheets. still in the loving rapture of sleep, or at least i thought. i observed him momentarily, he eyes were reeling under his lids. strained inaudible murmurs escaping his lips; he was suffering. i my heart tensed, i felt pity for him. not even in sleep he was able to escape this horrid reality. i timidly approached the side of the bed, i was unsure in what to do.   
  
"duo ... wake up." i softly offered, with an addition of a falter in my tone. with utmost care i leaned close, and nudged him with my lax hand upon the shoulder. no response, i grabbed his shoulder he screamed out in agony, i panicked. like a man of malice trying to hush a baby, i started to shake him violently.   
  
"stop it...let me go...stop!" he pleaded, and swung at me violently. i obstructed his arm and clenched down on his wrist. he cowered and writhed under my grip, trying so desperately to break away.   
  
"stop this foolishness." i gravely ordered, attempting to cease his fit, and my guilt. it felt like something beautiful had slipped between my careless finger, and now his its pieces lay scattered at my feet. my hold of him relented and he collapsed back into the bedding.   
  
"heero?!" stammered in disbelief. and threw the lower sheet over his head. i took a step back or two. it was not supposed to occur like this. and i angled my head ahead from him, and tightly shut my eyes in utter disgust with myself. my anger shifted. as my vision refocused on him i swung my leg out from under me, my booted foot crashing into the side of the mattress. he lay still.   
  
"if you do not hurry, we will be late." i offered softly, in attempts coax him out of bed. no reply. i crossed my arms, illustrating my frayed nerves. patience diminishing, anger growing. i lunged for the sheet, a desperate offense came into play.   
  
"don't!" an urgent plea emitted from his lips. i suddenly understood, my features turned warm. i released my hold on the sheet abruptly, causing me to stumble back, omitting all grace. i direct my sight on the bed, but it slowly rose and met duo's uneasy gaze. i arched my brow apologetically, in addition to embarrassment. cautiously he enraptured the sheet around him and stood, awkwardly rushing to the bathroom.   
  
"just give me five minutes" he stated loudly, so it traveled untainted through the door.   
  
i quickly grew tired of idly standing there, so i motioned to the bed and sat upon it. i leaned back, placing my hands behind me, giving me support. my mind started to drift, but not too lengthy before the sudden realization swelled. my fingers tensed, and grabbed a mass of material before suddenly recoiling as i shot up. stupid, heero. i looked down at my hands, then to the lighted slit beneath the bathroom door, the drone of the running water provided me comfort.  
  
he was taking longer then promised, i smoothly walked over to the dresser and knelt before it, hastily opening it. just has my hand violated duo's possessions the door flung open, and duo with a towel straddling his hips emerged. my eyes wandered to him, his hand rested on his hip, partially on the damp towel. i stood slowly, and almost took the proper attention military stance, i blinked at him, finding it diffcult to let my eyes linger upon him. he walked in strides to the closet, right past me, selecting his clothes.  
  
"find something interesting?" he teased, and flashed me a belittling smile. i stiffen and leaned my head back somewhat, my eyes sliding forward leering at him. i found it easier to look at him this way. he removed the towel from his head, and repelled it in my direction, hitting my chest and falling to he floor. soon followed by a spray droplets. that instantly imbued into my attire. i had to cease my body from shaking, was i relishing in this ...? a small grunt escaped my lips, undesired. he turned and focused on me, perturbed, waiting. "ahem." he asserted while making gestures with his had. i went blank, then the obvious screamed at me, and i quickly turned. silently scolding myself. i heard agitated sounds coming from duo, i had to remind myself not to look. i heard the bed creak in succumb of mass, so i shift my weight, but a sudden cry pierced my ears, and immediately resumed my position. laughter ensued. i spun around and glared at his ill jest, and suddenly reacted. grabbing the closest blunt object and hurling it his way. the boot collided with his head. i quickly proceeded to leave the room, he followed commenting, "that wasn't very nice you know."   
  
i went directly to his car, and got in undaunted. he got in and commenced operations of the vechile. as i watched the steady progression of moving scenery passed the passenager window, i felt a swift slap on the back of my head, i would assume that was revenge for my flinging of the boot moments before. but then he proceeded to pull a stunt while driving, his hands were busily braiding his hair, not secured on the steering wheel. the car proceeded to head in the direction of crossing the yellow line, and straight into another oncoming vechile. i lunged for the wheel, and jerked it to correct the path. i signed heavily, duo did not seem to care. in a confided space with him, that urge occurred again. i turned my head and asked if what i heard was true, in regards to forth period yesterday. his reply was a soft spoken lie, i pressed, but he yelled in defense, and that was the end of our conversation for the rest of the school day.  
  
dissatisfied with outcome, after the last ring of the bell, i walked boldly to duo's car. he did not lock the doors when he exited in haste this morning, i simply got in, and proceeded to secure the seat belt. he was i believe nevoursly intrigued in my action, i could tell as he got in. hell, so was i. just what was i hoping to accomplish ... "you are late." i dryly indicated.   
  
"I'm beginning to think you're following me" he taunted, adding a snicker at the end. i foolhardily expected him to take me home, but instead he pulled in his driveway. i tried my best not to take heed, exited, then moved directly onward to his apartment. i was the also the first in his own home. shameful actions on my part. i discared my books, and sat stiffly on his couch, lacking all manners turning on that appliance omitted from my home settings, if you could even call it a home, the television.   
  
"make yourself at home" he mocked me. i gave no reaction, as i was occupying myself with altering the channel every few seconds, i heard a hum of a microwave, and varied popping bursts. he calmy walked past me, and threw himself down on the couch, to my left. and began chewing obnoxiously, i averted my attention to the television to him, making it anything but discreet i wanted some. he complied by throwing it in my face. amidst his jarring laughter, i snatched the bowl from his grasp, and then helped myself freely in his despite. i was in a home, not mine. but still. the atmosphere comforted me, i became idle, my lids closed, and i slipped into unconscious.   
  
my eyes slowly parted, vision still hazy as i adjusted to reality. bliss. i was enraptured in warmth. i quickly shut my eyes to obstruct the flickering hollow light from tainting my vision. enclosed in gentle warmth. i grew greedy and drowsily inched closer to my benevolent rapture. freeing my soul, delivering me from all grief, from all strife. my hand drifted up, and caressed the source. silky locks, i smiled, i think even murmured incoherent whispers. but with the slow ease that loving flush drifted over my body, and icy cold exploded over the exterior of my body. my eyes shoot open and jumped up, the body draped over me, now sprawled on the hard floor. his rude awakening brought the realization more quickly. he looked up at me, still unsure. i glared down at him, angry, violation, uneasy, making a deadly combination. "what the hell were you doing?!" i spat. he tried to register it. but i would not wait. i began to storm out, as i slammed the door behind me, i faintly heard my name. my rage did not relent ... i pushed my way through the cold night. i did not have a jacket. my pallor altered to the frigid air. so cold.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 10:06 p.m. ] 


	12. October 2nd, AC 197 confliction

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog,b please/b? take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
10/02/AC 197 [ confliction ]  
  
i am locked in my head with what i have done. i inflict pain on every entity i come in contact with. i am tainted. pure poison to their human fragility. just the slightest brush of skin, the saunter of my gaze, being in my mere presence. even more so when i want their embrace, when i want their empathy. that is when things fall apart. people are aware of my faults, their threat, they see it clearly. i see their tender exposure dry. i see it decay, marred and shedding. the laceration manifested. his eyes, i can still see the hollow flickering light glimmer in is eyes, eyes in disarray. stay away. everything is blue. god ... what is this. i am losing complete sense of myself. they flee and recoil when i attempt to draw close. do not leave me alone. he said my name as i left, slamming the door. duo lingered. stay far away from me. what am i? who am i ? i am helplessly left to wonder if duo only was succumbing to orders, or if his intent was more pure.   
  
"heero, you do not have your text book." my things are there.   
  
"mr. yui, where is duo today, is he sick again?" he is where i left him.   
  
"you are expected to complete your assignment, heero! how irresponsible. i expected more from you." i am nothing.   
  
"heero, pay attention!" i can only think of him.   
  
"heero, where is duo?" the instructor asked with a tint of genuine concern.   
  
"he is dead." i declared, no emotion hinted in my words. even with my arms folded on upon my desk, cradling my head, i felt his disgust. his rage. the general shock of the class, their sick fascination.   
  
"get out!" he bellowed though his gritted teeth. lips curling in disdain. i remained motionless. never raising my head. he drove his closed fist onto his polished wood desk. i stood sluggishness. my lentor condescending. i departed. you will not find me here.  
  
our bodies were intertwined, and in blur between sleep and waking consciousness i was in rapture. fading. enfolded in peace, produced by a fellow soldier's body. everything. i was human. why did i feel violated. repulsed. i wanted it. i longed for his touch. bittersweet... i am so fucked up. happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me. in my nothing. he means everything to me.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 9:15 p.m. ] 


	13. October 3rd, AC 197 rejection

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog,b please/b? take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
10/03/AC 197 [ rejection ]  
  
the surreal hues of an artificial dawn, the persistent repetition, of waking alone. a solitary existence over a prolonged period is trifling. as i faltered through my ritualistic morning practices, that single thought loomed over my head, slowly interlacing deeper. descending those steps. my binder and text books omitted from my possession, as i maneuvered through the mesh of bodies. the mechanical percussion of my steps, on the impregnate side walk, no coercion from my languor or the deficient of warmth for my body. the distinct pallor of skin, a product of the scanty gusts. the wind guiding my hair into my eyes. i ceased motion, people filtering to the sides of me. ahead of me, that place, those people. to the right, him. the colors transgressing, soft blues and blush of pink, shifting to a fluid orange. my free hand balled as my side. i turned, and proceeded to the right.   
  
more stairs. the twenty seventh door, i was on the verge of his refuge. and i had to keep reminding myself to breathe. no lights were on. there is no one home. the tension alleviated, i smiled knowing i would see him there today. my hand clasping the steel door knob, feeling its frigidity. i timidly nudged open the door, the light piercing the obscurity within those walls. uninvited, his home, messy as it was it was like a womb to me. my first footfalls were meticulously gentle, practically inaudible. i stood over the coffee table, he had moved them from the floor. his fingers had pressed on those masses, i knew i would cherish them only for that reason. i scrupled over the fact that i had to touch them, corrupting his lingering aura of those books. i grabbed them, and hugged them to my chest. my slender fingers clenching on to the edges. i looked at the place once more, already hating the fact i had to vacant. as i turned, i heard a stirring. i stopped, my head sharply angling. i deciphered erratic breathing, a shiver washed over my spine.  
  
"run away." a weak voice mustered. duo. he was there. the cold, it lashed out and turned my blood to ice. i stood there bewildered, i was breathing heavily. "run away". those words again, more harsh, more distress. my limbs incapable of functioning. "go ahead. run away". the words, stabbing me. i could do nothing but silently question my intentions of coming here.   
  
"go!" he demanded. i grimaced, leaving my eyes shut. my mouth slightly ajar. i could feel the rapid acceleration of my pulse. "get out!" he screamed, voice cracking under the sheer amount of emotion he was trying to release. heero leave. you are making him suffer. leave. how could you do this. leave now. i cautiously closed the door behind me.   
  
the wind roused, caressing my features. i did not move. the day grew older, i simply stood there. finally succumbing to my aching legs, sitting on the ground, my back against his door. the items in which i originally came for, sliding off my lap. it was an excuse, was it not. the air, the cool temperatures fading, the warmth of the light pressing upon my face. my eyes were downcast, i slightly moved my fingers, to assure myself i was still alive. i wanted him to find me, i wanted him to kill me. it was only an hour ago. nothing has sunk in. why did i have to worry how he felt, he saw out me. he threw my life of course. there is no one home, for me. what life? i want to. i cannot handle this. i grieve for you. i remain motionless. i surrendered.   
  
i stood, and faced my plight. deathly afraid. nothing had changed, excepted the time that has lapsed. i shut myself in, locking each other in that confided space. i heard rhythmic breathing, unaltered from when i entered. he was asleep. so vulnerable i thought. i slide the books from my grasp, and onto the counter. sheepishly moving towards the couch. his socked feet now protruding behind the solid mass, another step revealed his calves, another his slim bare legs. i stood above him, only clad is boxer style underwear and a tanktop, rolled up, not concealing the majority of his mid drift. strands of hair disseminated. my stomach heaved, this was wrong. he does not want you here. i could not look away. i acquired an acute taste for every detail. which lead me to something amiss.   
  
tried blood. droplets imbuing his tank top. the source. a dish rag loosening around his hand, it's fabric virtually soaked. my heart bleed. i knelt down before him, my hands cradling his wounded one. excessively being cautious, i peeled away the soiled piece of material. and lead it to rest on his chest. i could not leave him on the floor. if i could carry him to his bed ... and then tend to his wound.   
  
my i pressed the backs of my hands firmly to the carpet. and slide them directly forward, under the middle of his chest and under the joints of his legs. i made sure i was confident he was secure before i attempted to rise with him. his locks of hair pulling from the carpet. i brought the bulk of his body as close to mine, as much as i possibly could. through my lament i was ruefully relishing in every moment, the cross on his neck shifting with every stride. i was too busy concentrating on every step to see the slothful hand snake up, and smoothly trail down my features. i froze. he did the opposite and begin to squirm in my arms, hands clawing upward, aimlessly, legs kicking in protest. gravity was shifting, he desperately clung on to me to avoid the fall, we fell as one.  
  
the mass of my body burying his. my head landed on his chest. his warmth. i did not want to move. he was vocalizing struggle. unmistakable sound i was hearing. i finally, altered my position, my palms flat on each side of his shoulder, my face over his, i could feel his breath hit my features. it caused my body to convulse, our eyes were locked. the vision in my head. i had the intentions of moving, but my body paid no heed. the look in your eyes, the look in your face like ... sweet revelation, sweet surrendering. he crawled out from under me, i missed his warmth instantly. he sat with his back against the wall. i brought my legs up from behind, and sat on them, folded. i stared at him, a moment before he retaliated with the same gesture. he face distorted, eyes harden. "come back to torment me?" his question blaming me. i flinched, again so crestfallen. my eyes fixated on the carpet. i have been over this before, and the same conclusion before. "i am sorry." i stated, more offered, pathetically unable to look at him. so over this.  
  
"what was that?" he callously inquired. if that is what he wanted, so be it. i succumbed. i angled my head upwards, gazes colliding for a moment before my lips formed words.  
  
"i am sorry." more lucid. increased volume. he did not care. it was my fault ... silence ensued. nothing from him. foolish, heero. i stood, drew near him, and bid him a farewell of some sort. still nothing. i tried. i did. and it brought me nothing. i should not expect anything from him. i just hope i will not end up hating him for it. someone, show me the way to forgive him ...   
  
  
  
commence [ 10:52 p.m. ] 


	14. October 4th, AC 197 difficult

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
10/04/AC 197 [ difficult ]  
  
again, not there. among a million the same. it is difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. acrimony constantly consuming my detachment, my escape becoming an enslavement, to the tugging a beat to the sight of you lying. this day at school no one dared to question my trail of absences, or duo whereabouts. no attempts to edify my behavior or attendance apparently nothing, i am nothing at all. before they had no concern to my existence, now they purposely avoid it or exploit it for their amusement. sometimes staring on in disapproval, yet not daring the risk in mouthing it. but some are more bold.   
  
"heero, i'll excuse you from today's assigment. " my plain english teacher stated. to me and the class. up to that time, the majority of the period i had to endure through the pathetic endeavors of my peers, that they had to recite before the class. bland and grotesque. i looked up at her.   
  
"i will do it." i objected. she looked up from the syllabus she was checking off from the previous student. the class discerned on our conversation.  
  
"but you surely haven't prepared anything to say." she protested.   
  
"it does not matter." i said rising from my desk, and proceeding to weave though the adolescents between my desk and the front of the room. trying to pay no heed to their barrage of offensive assessment. i stood erect behind the podium. their attention servile. i cleared my throat. resting my right forearm on the provided platform. i spoke austerely, perhaps even insipid. the words voluminous, about to crest. my lips parted.   
  
"we are in the building where they make us grow. and i am frightened by the liquid engineers. like you." i publicized, slowly. dwelling on each syllable. "my memory is sure to fail. i could crawl around the floor just like i'm real. like you." i droned on, my eyes never averting the provincial forum. "the sound of metal. i want to be you. i should learn to be a man, like you." the woman instructor, lifting her eyes. fixated, upon me. "plug me in and turn me on. oh everything is moving." speaking dispassionate as ever. mocking murmers. "picture this if i should make the change. i would love to pull the wires from the wall. did you?" myself, conspicuous. too exposed. too incongruous. biased closing in. "and who are you and how can i try ?" ephemeral silence.   
  
"freak!" some male derided. an uproar of laughter. so jarring, it echoed in my head, sound amplified drastically. the woman tried censure, to scold them for their reprehensible actions. the ridicule silencing, but shinning through their sardonic grins. i faced my heckler. directing my whole body. i was solemn, unperturbed. did i see disappointment flash in his eyes.   
  
"idiot." i repudiated. his hypocritical fanatics, mustering their amused snorts. the tyrant's reign momentarily overthrown. i took my seat, uncaring. the period ended. i collected my few possessions, and indolently reached the exit. i passed through the hall, entangled in the mass of bodies. an unexpected force from behind, sent my body careening, into the lockers face first. impact engendering a metallic thwang. i turned slowly, a flicker of pain. he had his fists balled, elbows angled. i threw down my books before my feet. a scream, a rush of feet. we were surrounded. he stood there, waiting for me to commence my counterattack. "are you going to finish what you started." i taunted.   
  
"you queer!" he yelled before his fist made an upper cut, implanting his knuckles into my right cheek. i stumbled back moderately. then i reclaimed those two steps, brushing the back of my left hand across my inflamed cheek, assessing the damage. i burst into laughter and as straighten my back, facing him, apathetic.  
  
"try harder, try again." i stated with a grin plastered on my redden face. the blood beginning to collect at the corner on my mouth. he glared at me, stupefied. adminstrators ran in-between us. i managed to collect my possessions before they herded me into the office. i spent of the rest of the day there. out of boredom, sitting in that excuse for a chair. i would not let anyone touch me, the blood dried down on to my chin. out of boredom, i shuffled through my papers, something was amiss. my search became more frantic. it dawned on me, my thief. i left, unpermitted.   
  
my pace was more rushed, i wanted nothing more to forgot this day. this unneeded pain. before my threshold, i looked back to the sidewalk. and stepped in. everything temporarily pacified. it was a home. new objects filled old spaces. i had shed my text books and binder. and walked around, attempting to establish a comfort level, and a realization this was infact the place where i reside in. everything i had ordered, in place and already catered for. someone even placed my books with in the shelves. i grew numb, i sat in the middle of the living room floor. peaking my knees, leaning my head upon their caps. it was two hours later, before i found the sign sheet left by the delivery company. it read duo maxwell's signature.   
  
  
  
commence [ 11:43 p.m. ] 


	15. October 5th, AC 197 revelation

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
  
10/05/AC 197 [ revelation ]  
  
why must you tempt me, and provoke the misery. senses expanding, still in a limbo between waking consciousness and sleep. transcendence completed. the relentless flare of pain in right cheek, encroaching. i was fully awake, my eyes remained lidded. my senses refining, prompting my cognizance to the mattress bowing at the foot of the bed. my legs at a dull slope. his aura, his idiosyncrasy. i was able to distinguish him sitting on my bed, without even opening my eyes. parting slowly, focus adjusting, he had his back to me, sitting stiffly. his braid adorning the center of his lean back. i twisted my body, and sidled out between the sheets. not regarding to what his reaction was, i assumed an upright position then proceeded to walk in a coy saunter past him. never regarding him. i heard him rise. his wavering voice halted my tangent of footfalls.  
  
"aren't you going to say something?" he pleaded. i rotated my body, standing in the doorway, my elbow leaning against the frame, my knuckles resting my on brow. diverting my full attention to duo for the first time. enabling him to see my swollen abrasion situated on my right cheek. his eyebrows slanted, eyes saturated in concern. "...heero?"  
  
i smirked, inducing more agitation on my wound. "good morning." i ruefully cited. and moved onward to the kitchen. he followed. in a preoccupied manner i fashioned myself a bowl of stale cereal, he stood by the counter. i sat at the novel kitchen table, he looked on in silence. i raised the spoon, halfway to my mouth. and spoke, "i would offer you some, but i only have one bowl." he nodded readily, and laughed. eloquently he lifted himself on to the counter top, and grabbed hold of the cereal box. he rammed his hand into the box, causing the box to curve out of its formal shape. i stared at him intently. he brought his hand and its content to his mouth, filtering the cereal in. his crunching, loud and jarring. i finished before he did. i stood, the seat sliding back, behind my legs. i placed the bowl, and spoon within the sink. and walked past duo, undaunted. in silence. i wandered into the bathroom, shut the door, removed my clothes, stepped over towels strewn on the linoleum, towels that i never used, posing in the ceramic tub.   
  
as the water flowed over my body, stinging my cheek. i heard the sudden uproar of a melody, originating from the living room. my stereo. the cd i was listening to earlier. i stepped out, a thin lining of water coaxing my body. collecting into droplets. with all the clean towels on the floor, it lead only to one feasible conclusion. i bent over, selecting one randomly. as i pulled it off the ground, and hung it around my waist, it revealed more incriminating evidence. discarded gauze, bloodied, and strewn and stretched. i snatched it up, in my right hand. after dressing, hair still moistened, the used dressing secured in palm. i entered the living room. he was on the computer, browsing over the research paper. going undetected, i was able to stand behind him. i placed my right hand over his, letting it linger. "you should ask before you use things." i counseled. he fell into a quiet repugnance, i pulled back and sat upon the couch.  
  
"you finished the paper already?" he asked, already knowing the answered, an aversion.   
  
"yes, I finished my paper," i answered and rephrased the inferred ownership. and i thinly asked what we were going to do for a vision aid. he laughed.   
  
"we're walking visual aids, heero. ... and behind curtain number one ..." he began to slap his legs intimating a drum. i raised an eyebrow. "the pilot of wing zero, the one, the only ... heero yui!" i grimaced, and became solemn. the words rolled off my mouth, disparate and fading.   
  
"the murderer of thousands ..." his response, he began to clap, and whistle in celebration. i folded my arms over my chest, the room grew silent.  
  
"you burden yourself so ." he muttered, sadly. i directed my eyes at him, he smiled kindly. he walked across the living room floor, and sat next to me. submitting inquires about his missed school work. i withdrew my geometry text book, and set it open on the coffee table. he buried me in questions as i attempted to explain the various lessons. he kept inching closer to the book, sitting directly before my lap, upon the coffee table. his smell was intoxicating. maybe i would be jumping to conclusions, but i swear he understood it clearly, and all the questions were obsolete. but why ... perhaps? at the time, i thought it was innocent. now, no. intriguing ... it was like he was coming up with reasons for physical contact. he leaned over my lap when it was unnecessary, wove his arm through mine to point at the book, his hand brushing my thigh, and even resting upon my leg. his muffled snickers ... i could not compute an appropriate reaction, so i did my best to be oblivious to it.  
  
daylight soon faded. night was drawing near. shadows of the evening crawled across the room. duo looked restless, as if he was going to excuse himself at any moment. i did not want to be alone tonight. i rose from the couch, without warning. he looked up from his position on the floor, ceasing the gnawing on the end of his pencil. there was a pause, his attention stationed upon me. i went to assemble my wallet from the bedroom, evaluating the amount of money it retained. i reemerged into the living room, the pencil still dangling from his mouth, lightly pulling on the skin it was attached to. "i'm hungry, let's go out." the pencil fell, the lead point making impact with the hard wood floor. toppling over on its side, rolling to a halt. he gaped at me blankly. i moved to the door, i heard a shuffle of objects. he was following me. i purposely left the door open, and promptly embarked the descent down the stairs. reaching the sidewalk before him, a seconds lapsed before he joined me.  
  
i stood next to the flow of traffic, awaiting. in-between scanning the stream of vehicles, i glanced back at duo. his arms were crossed, if i did not know better, i would think he was making an effort not to look at me, staring aimlessly at objects for scanty periods of time. a yellow hued vehicle approached, i raised my arm, extending my index and middle finger, slightly curved. the car veered off to the lane's shoulder, its wheels rolling to a stop before us. my fingers, all together, slid under the door's handle, i lifted up. guiding the door open to its full capacity. he approached the taxi sheepishly, and before hunching over to enter, we exchanged gazes. i walked around the door, and positioned myself, closing the door softly. the cab driver eyed us through the rear view mirror. i asked him to take us to a restaurant, somewhere nice.   
  
"money matter any?" the accent was thick. i shook my head in a reply. the automobile was in motion. all of duo's attention was directed out the window. the lights streaming passed. his hands delicately clasped in his lap. it was so awkward. i did not want it to be this way. i angled my head towards his form, and groped my mind for something, anything to say. my lips parted, but i suddenly i deemed what i was about to pronounce unworthy. but it was too late, i faltered. some incoherent sound repelled from my lips. it caught his attention, he turned, and looked at me. i scrunched up my facial features. and shook my head. a small smile tainted his lips. the passing time, lacking in promptness. the taxi finally slowed, and pulled to the sidewalk. i handed the ethnic man the fee and a tip. climbing out, standing before a lit marquee, extravagant in every way. duo stood behind me. i approached the entrance.   
  
"uhh... heero?" i did not turn, but raised my hand and in a small gesture, beckoning him to follow. he caught up to me by the time i reached the door. in the orifice of the establishment, i proceeded to wait in line with the intent to make arrangements with the host. duo's presence drew near, closer than it ought to be. "we shouldn't be here." he dissented. referring to our inadequate attire. i smirked, then uttered.   
  
"money and will can get you anything. pay no heed to their scrutiny." he nodded lacking real emotions. it was our turn, we approached, the desk.   
  
"two." i stated, implying my lack of perpension for his jurisdiction. he was offended. i then placed an irrational disclosed amount of money upon his desk. he grinned and spoke.   
  
"right this way." duo followed me, in a clingy manner. i suppose he felt like an oddity in that room. we both were. the host accompanied us to our table, we sat down, with menus set before us. duo was befuddled. he looked up at me in dismay, i offered a reassuring smile. the waitor was about to leave, but i gestured him to say, and ordered. for both, duo and myself.   
  
i do not think fitting in, anywhere, is something duo is adept to. again he began to fidget, was he bored or nervous. and when he spoke, his voice boomed through the institution. i did not mean to be so outward with my deprecation, he seemed to be trying to edify his behavior. the dinner was brought, soon enough. you could actually hear him digest it. we were being ostracized at an unbelievable rate. i sinuously gilded my foot under the table, impacting with his shin. discreetly attempting to influence his actions. he flinched, and his eyes widened. "don't touch me there!" he cried out. muffled gasps from all sides. i froze, in addition, became flustered. he grinned knowingly.  
  
he exited before me, and after paying the bill. i rejoined him on the sidewalk. we began to walk in sync. an extensive amount of space between the two of us. no words exchanged. a frigid gust rose up, toying with duo's hair. choking all the warmth from my skin. i shivered. "you cold?" he interrogated. i stared straight ahead. i could feel my body begin to convulse again, i stiffly inserted my hands into my pockets, in hopes it would obstruct my body's protest to the inclemency. i heard the friction of material, he tossed his jacket at me. i intercepted it with one hand. i looked at him, the disturbance in my equilibrium lucid. he accelerated his pace, stopping behind a large glass window belonging to an art boutique.  
  
as i slowly closed the gap between us, it was obvious he was acutely enamored with a painting. he became aware of of my presence as i wove my arms through his jacket's sleeves. he removed his eyes from the piece of artwork, then imposed his attention on me. silence. finally broken by his laughter. we resumed our walk, the forbearance from all commutation. the unbroken continuity of the intonation of traffic, streaming past us. i narrowed my eyes, and without formally addressing him, i vocalized that question that had been plaguing me the entire day. "why did you return today?" he response was a laugh, and he made his reply into a joke. i expected more, i wanted more, he denied me once more. i think my dejection physically manifested. and in attempts to repair me, he whispered.  
  
"maybe I just missed you." trailing off, quickening his pace. my chest quivered, enclosed in his jacket. i added to my speed to catch up with him. my apartment complex was near. i did not know what to expect, once we arrived. abruptly he burst into a sprint, bolting through the entrance, and up the stairs. my pace remained unaltered. my stomach churned. i grew apprehensive. so anxious. i tried my best to conceal it. i crested the stairs. he was waiting by the door. i actually locked it this time. i snaked my hand into my pant pocket. i retrieved the key, and secured it within my fingertips. i grew oblivious in what duo was up to. i leaned in to fit the key into the door, with the intentions of passing duo. just as i inserted the key, i felt the caress of warm breath. and the sensation of tender flesh greet my lips, partially. but as i continued my intended motion his lips smeared on to my cheek. the door went ajar, and opened with a moan. i was at a loss. i slowly erected my stature. angling my head, leering at him. i could feel the blood pumping through my skin, and its incessant transferring drone, echo in my head. i lifted my eyebrows. he stumbled back, and blurted, " i should be going." never making eye contact. he ran down the stairs, at a dangerous speed. duo, wait. those words never came.   
  
  
  
commence [ 9:11 p.m. ] 


	16. October 6th, AC 197 surrender

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
10/06/AC 197 [ surrender ]  
  
i lied in an early bed, thinking late thoughts. replaying the previous day's occurrences numerous times within my head. relishing in every moment i was with him, pure amenity. these emotions so uncharted, manifesting, swelling. enabling me to choke on my fears, while appeasement dripped over the core of my emanation. i was drowning. sinking, spinning. losing complete sense of myself. it was agreeable. as my aura was spreading, smearing, pouring over. i swallowed my trepidation, and found myself able to breathe, completely immersed. awareness dawns on someone who is not me. the pilot of the gundam deathscythe. envisoning him with out flaw. i extended my hand above me.  
  
he assumed i had the intentions of kissing him, and he had surrendered himself entirely. if only i was aware. if only i had harmonized with his actions. it did not turn out the way i wanted it to. so i mourn the conclusion, leaving myself to endure my self inflicted reprimands. humoring a tinge of obsessive lust. i never bothered to undress last night, still wearing the spoils of that day. the jacket smothering my chest, only adding to my revery. currents of ineffable epiphanies spilling over, seeping through my reasoning. i sighed softly, emerging from my stream of consciousness. i rose from my bed. my departure from the void, i was leaving my apartment, yet still wading through contemporary waters, swirling behind me.   
  
retracing the steps of the night before, his jacket shielding me from the frigid air. i smiled. while musing further. even deeper. i was still engulfed in his scent, and i could almost feel him. fragments of his voice. i entered that art boutique. i was not exactly sure which one he was so transfixed with. i narrowed it down to two pieces of work, considering his position before the pane glass. they contrasted greatly, one abstract, one realistic, one's hues light pastels, the other, blots of lividity. i nodded, probably to reassure my choice, ease my apprehension. "excuse me. i would like to purchase that one." i announed.  
  
i escorted it back to his residence. cradling the large bulk of mass, wrapped in brown paper. i knocked. no one was home. i almost preferred it better this way, as an idea washed over me. i entered, it did not phase me this time. and scanned for a suitable wall. i had to rummage through his possessions for quite some time, before locating adequate utensils to hang the painting. a torrent of thoughts. would this lenify him, was this gesture too late in coming. had he changed his mind? i tried to evade those impending questions. i left no sign to my inappropriate entry, with the omission of the painting adorning an otherwise bare wall. home. my slumber last night was anything but restful. i altered my attire, carefully shedding duo's jacket off, cautiously setting it down. and into sleep apparel. burying my body within the sheets. i cannot recall when sleep finally eased over me.   
  
in a dream i am a different me. with a perfect you. we fit perfectly and for once in my life i feel complete and i still want to ruin it. afraid to look, as clear as day. i cannot stay. the voice inviting me away ...   
  
adrift and at peace. words lulling me awake. warmth raining over my bare skin. tangled, in a web. a mass attached along my back, extensions draped over me. a trail of words. listen. my body, embraced. another. "i need you." open your eyes. no. i do not want this to end. this sensation. i straighten my back, succumbing, wanting every inch of my body enraptured. a lithe form. a human soul. i was awakening, and i was not alone. secure the bind that holds. i locked my arms with his. sleep not tainting my persistence. the euphony of his breathes, the innocuous tightening of his hold on me. as sleep coaxed me back into perfect peace. i whispered, "you came."   
  
my eyes parted. it was night, early morning. most reassuring he was still there, his body pressing down upon mine, legs in-between my own, my chest supporting his head. his hair strewn over me. he had roused as well. fear struck me. do not leave, give me sanctuary. i encircled my arm around his waist, securing him to me. those moments, i was breathing in his life. already dreading its inevitable end and our parting.  
  
"i am sorry." a plea of repentance, for everything i had done to him, all the sin's i have committed, i only wanted his mercy. be my place to hide. can you conceal me, my soft asylum.   
  
"don't be." he dismissed the severity of my tone with a yawn, pawing at my shirt. amassing clumps of fabric within his palms. he flinched involuntarily, as he accidentally inflamed his laceration nestled within his hand. i cradled his wounded hand with mine, and brought it closer to my face.   
  
"how did that happen?" i inquired somberly. his words were forced, but he still complied, and answered my question.   
  
"cut myself on a piece of glass," he stated hushed. i tenderly swept my fingertips over the parting of flesh. i heard him, felt him, reposition, then felt the caress of his hand on my right cheek. fingers encasing my swollen tissue, with a scarlet hue.   
  
"what about you"? he questioned softly.   
  
"someone hit me". divulged dry toned. my composure cracking. he gave no reply, yet climbed up further onto my chest. his cheek and my abused one, adjacent. in my arms and sleep's alike, he soon fell. i hugged him tighter to my body, my hands toying with his stray locks. i was tempted. growing restless. i returned the kiss he bestowed upon me the night before.   
  
  
  
  
commence. [ 11:15 p.m. ] 


	17. October 7th, AC 197 presumption

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
my circadian rhythm urging me to become attentive. at first i resisted, pleaded with it futilely, just a little longer. but it soon claimed victor. i opened my eyes, my faculties of sensation purifying. he was still asleep, at my side, our limbs still in twine. his arm ornamenting my chest. i did not trust myself, he was so subdued. i already step my bounds the night before. too enticing. i tried my best to remove his arm from my contact, with out interrupting his slumber, trying not to manhandle it. tentatively lifting my weight from the mattress. my footfalls traced the bedstead's perimeter, i stood stagnate before the face of the bed. conveying the stray strains of hair obstructing my sight. i exhaled softly. looking on in disbelief, was this my reality? i hope so.  
  
still weary that i might enable his stir from sleep, i deprived all sound from my motions. and limited my apparel selection only to the sole garment of underclothing. still hesitant, i was fearful of closing the door completely. as i showered kept a keen ear for him. nothing but the drone of water. followed by the slippery footsteps treading on the linoleum. snatching a towel off the rack, profusely rubbed its fibers over my flesh. trying to extract the moisture, attempting to induce warmth back in my skin. yet being cautious of the friction, i did not want to induce anything more. that was the last thing i needed. i looped my legs through the according slits in the material of my boxers, in a desultorily manner. lastly tossing the towel over my shoulder, just premature of my reentry into my bedroom, where he resides.   
  
as i stationed myself at the closet's orifice, i heard a tussle of sheets. the box spring squeaking under the shift of weight. i continue my act of choosing from the assortment of clothes. making an effort to hide my interest.   
  
"heero...?" he propositioned. voice still tainted with sleep. i grasped a pair of jeans. and gave my tongue in cheek response.   
  
"you snore." bestowing my commentary upon him, it was followed by his forced laugh. i altered my stance, toward him. we were observant of each other for a length of time, his countenance turned meek. he angled his head away from me, i suppose out of respect for my attire or lack there of.   
  
"were you uncomfortable?" i regaled in the form of a question. he looked at me fixedly, unsure. my index finger emphasized the clothing encircling his body. inferring to the before time were such things were absence.   
  
"i don't always sleep like that ..." he trailed off, feeling self-conscious. i should not toy with him in such a manner. but my hearty enjoyment was evident. it was all in good jest. his reaction, he exited the room, into the bathroom. i slid my jeans on over my legs, and as i began to zip them up, i started to trail in his footsteps, managing to slide the button through the hole before my feet slapped on the linoleum. he had already receded into the shower, curtain concealing him. i was able to frost the tooth paste over the brush's bristles, and fill the sink with running water before he removed his shirt and discarded it on to the floor. his other garments, followed suit. the moving under the convergence of dispersed droplets. i heard the plastic curtain being brushed aside.   
  
"some privacy would be nice." he pestered playfully, then quickly reinstated the curtain to its former place. i clarified for him that it was my bathroom, gazing at my own reflection, a smile pulling at my lips. i did not move from my spot the entire time while he showered. the flow of water ceased. i saw a hand snake out, groping for a towel. i grabbed it before he could, then. trifling, i hung it before his prodding fingers. just before he secured it, i sadistically jerked it out of reach. this repeated. he leaned out from behind the curtain, irritation imbued on his features. i could not dominate my grin into repression. he swiped at the towel again, i let him have it. he withdrew behind the material screen once more. as he emerged with the towel wrapping his hips, i reversed directions, tarrying at the door frame. he stood before the mirror's reflection, and began to perform the routine of braiding his hair. a sudden pang caused him to discontinue abruptly. his lacerated hand, i remembered. repositioning myself behind him. he was alarmed by my touch upon his cool damp exterior. our eyes meet through the aid of the mirror.   
  
"hold still." a light command, more informing than demanding. he succumbed, this made the weaving less difficult. untainted satisfaction, i had to nudge him to remove the tie around his wrist. he complied and i bound the braid. he turned, and offered a smile of approval. i meant to speak, but i faltered. he is quite a sight to behold. i averted my eyes. i felt him shift, perhaps my leer was that obvious. i spun, and directed my walk to the closet. removed clothing, that i could impose on him to wear. he took them, and then scanned the room for a place where he could place them on without being exposed. obvilous to the obvious. i pointed to the bathroom. he politely snickered then penetrated the bathroom once more, shutting the door. i gathered my things and waited by the door, he made haste in attempts to catch up. he was close enough to being completed, i turned to exit through the open door. his lithe form careened into my back, causing me to stumble forward. i repressed a laugh at his lack of grace, while i grabbed his jacket. and eased it around my chest. he must have paused, he caught up with me on the sidewalk, tardy.   
  
we entered our first period class, late, and together. producing more vulgar scutiny. it did not bother me as much, i was with him. we were together. it was not long after i took my seat, our history teacher stood by the door and beckoned me to follow. i looked to duo before i complied, and failed at a smile. already upset this man was forcing me to break his company with me. i took stance by the instructor outside the door, fatigued, impatient, bored. he was growing sick of my apathy towards him, while his question stood alone, answers never emerging. i finally levied my gaze with him, and roused humility in my expression. the furrows on his brow went lax, before he dismissed me to the administrator.   
  
i sat rigidly formal in the chair positioned before another man's desk. he began to scold me for being involved in a fight. i reminded him i did not willingly partake, nor defend myself. he retorted that there were accounts of me provoking it, i did not deny that. but reinforced that i was only evoking the possible change of my own physical demise. i should not be held accountable for someone else's actions. he asked why. why did i do such a thing. i wanted to release the words screaming to be said, because i wanted to see how far he would go. to see if he could bring me death. i altered my intended statement to; "it seemed right, at the time."   
  
he finally grew tired of me, condemning me with no foul. except reprimanding me for leaving un permitted on friday. as i strolled out of his office, maneuvering through the impregnate office. i heard distinct pitch, reminiscent of vocal utterance, i knew. i walked passed a door, ajar. the source. disorient to find duo, being interrogated by another administrator i lingered outside the doorway, in till, finally someone persuaded me into movement again. they retained him for the rest of school, with an addition of an hour. i awaited his dismissal from his bondage. propping my back up against the chain link perimeter. passing the time by letting my fingertips fondle the edge of his jacket, while musing thoughts, ranging from innocent to obscene. protectively supporting my textbooks and binder. i perceived rushed footsteps, aimed at me. i directed my body at the clatter, i looking up, and was greeted by his eyes.   
  
"what happened to you?" i politely submitted my inquiry. together we began walking down the sidewalk. he laughed. trying to avoid it, i grew fixated upon him. trying to seek the truth from his expression. he caught on, and bestowed upon me my desired answer.   
  
"i had detention again." he quietly confessed. words thinning i wanted to know more. and proceeded to ask why he was punished. he looked away, time passing before he finally revealed. "somebody in first period called me a faggot...and i retaliated". he uttered with involuntary pauses. i was completely overthrown. fear, anger, confusion, questioning. full perturbation. more hurt than anything. maybe out of bitter resentment that i was seemingly being lead on, my emotions disposable. or that my diminishing hope could not sustain my sanity, i needed to know.   
  
"you mean to tell me you are not ...?" the question rolling out my tongue, i strived, trying to be capable of convincing. by fault of my own bias. he abruptly became idle. i mimicked, becoming fixed in stance. my features unresisting, as my glazed over eyes fell upon him, unhinging. i was trying not to shake out of trepidation. his lower lip fell, no words could be formed. a scarlet hue smearing over his cheeks. there was no rejection, i refused to let him slip away. i could not. my hand extended outward. my fingers lightly tugged on his. testing the waters. no resistance. my hand clasped his. i think i squeezed it tightly before moving down the side walk. applying slight force to initiate the repetition of his feet. i cannot let him go. it has gone too far. this sweet surrender.   
  
  
commence. [ 11:36 p.m. ] 


	18. October 10th, AC 197 confusion

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
  
10/10/ AC 197 [ confusion ]  
  
this will be my downfall. i never would have thought that my tragic flaw would consist of my inability for human consanguinity. i have such a rancor for this. this overwhelming animosity. what am i supposed to do. all because of him. why are you doing this to me. so detrimental to my sanity. the thin fibers that bound together my manner of existence, they are tightening. lacerating my flesh. when did i become trapped. how could he turn me into this. he does not care. and to think i am stricken when it seems i have hurt him, but when my condition alter from actions, triggered by him, nothing. i foresaw that he was only leading me on, but i never would have thought i would endure so much anguish because of it. still. kinda. i want to.   
  
our stigmatized notoriety at school has amplified, acutely. from the incidents previous, and our loose contact in that establishment. our peers abstaining in all interaction. perhaps duo's sagacious objective is to detain me in this suffocating isolation. i arrived before him to first period. late, his mere attire making a spectacle of himself. flashing me a devil's grin. and passed smoothly before my desk. immortalized in everyone's eyes. rudely exploiting the gum in-between his lips. sitting at the desk aside from me. lacking all etiquette. i observed him briefly, attempting to decipher his thoughts. he turned to me, leering at me balantly. lifting his brow several times, before inflating a large sphere, enabling its sudden burst. i leaned back, for some reason i was aghast. he is mocking me. extracting the gum from his mouth. taunting me. has he toyed with his chewed gum with his fingers. and encircling his finger with it. then pushing it back within his lips. then laughing. laughing at me.   
  
that was the extent of our reciprocal actions for the day. my desire to seek the truth brought me to his car. i almost left, but my body never rose from leaning against his vehicle's door. his steps were hasten when he saw me. we got intogether, not a word spoken. he drove reckless as usual. causing his cd cases to plummet into my lap. i gathered them in an orderly fashion, and secured them under the seat. he smiled at me, eyes off the road. he swerved again. we reached his destination, wholly unharmed. duo maxwell's humble abode. walking up those steps, anxiety smudging my personification. upon entering he passed out of sight, as i looked back, searching for his face. i was disinclined to take a fixated position, but i did so, despite that. awkwardly sitting on the couch, rigid, staring straight forward. abruptly inflicted with all my insecurities. all my doubts of him. i cannot be lead on anymore. i had to reassure myself various times, that i was the victim, while i kindled enough valor to face my vicissitude, imploring to evoke a resolution. i did not even turn to face him when i heard the clatter of footfalls, signifying his reentrance.   
  
"why did they send you?" i attempted to compose the query apathetically. clutching my hand onto the fabric of the couch, obstructing my body from convulsing. no response. "answer me." i spat. enraged. he still did not have the decency to reply. i stood with curt, facing him. my glare's intensity fading some, seeing his blank disposition, but quickly my hostility was reinstated. i balled my fists, and in a hushed utterance, "why keep this up." my voice faltered. the tone being reduced to a child's cry. he lowered his head. eyes half parted. "damn you." the slur rolled off my tongue with such ease.   
  
"who do you think you are to ask such things of me?" he retorted. his question left me stupefied. how could he twist the blame on me. what did i do. bitter resentment filled the void of uncertainty   
  
"who do you think you are barging back into my life?" i repelled at him. in a dry scream. i paused. " they sent you. is all this a charade for the benefit of your assignment? what am i saying, you do not care." i trailed off. finding it difficult to maintain eye contact. i snaked my arms around my chest for support.   
  
"how would you know." his stale tone stated.   
  
"i wouldn't." a simple reply. i was ashamed how my voice was saturated in such a thickness of emotions. he encased his eyes in lids. and in a slow pace began to recoiled into his room. all the hands of hope had withdrawn. if only he had answered. "i should have expected this much from you." i mournfully pronounced. he froze amidst his meager transition.  
  
"stop. just stop. i can't deal with this." i stood there in disbelief as he shut the door behind him. you cannot do this. you cannot do this. you cannot. anger ascended to dangerous heights. and in a fluid motion, i scooped up an empty glass, cradled only seconds in my hand. before repelling it across the room, careening into the wall. its fragments spilling, down on to the carpet. i was turning numb again. i stumbled back on to the couch. and lurched forward, repressing the urge to scream. i brought my hands, enduring tremors, to my face. weaving my fingertips into my hair. my hands tensed. i brought my blunt fingers nails over my features. the pain somehow soothing, somewhat stabilizing my marred emotions. my chest still heaving.   
  
hours lapsed. the irony, i did not move. i waited, i waited for him to put the pieces back together. he did not. it took you to make realize. i staggered to the door. pressing the bulk of my weight against the door, i coaxed it open. his figure lay dormant on those sheets. it sickened me that he could fall into sleep now. i approached the bed. glowering. my arms drawn tightly at my sides. a flicker of homicidal tendencies. briefly musing if he could overpower me if i began to smother him. if his body was listless, there would be no resistance. the tissue stretched over my skull was still radiating with pain. if he does not want me. he can just die.   
  
i slapped my palm to the side of my face. and began to laugh brokenly. what was i thinking. i applied more pressure. my laughing. make it stop. it did not heed. no matter what, the incessant laughter. stop. he was so beautiful. stop. he does not want you. stop. he was only leading you on. i collapsed, my upper body crashed on to the mattress.   
  
he did not stir. help me duo. just. please. nothing. i remained there for too long, my own agony began to bore me. with my head awkwardly resting on the bedding, i raised my hand. sliding it over the comforter. and out of my bitter amusement, i had started batting at his shoe laces. coiling them around my fingers once more before i had the impulse to remove his shoes. it's inexplicable. i lifted my chest off the bed, and on my knees meticulously became to unlace his boots. nudging them off his feet. i was still not appeased. what was i doing. i crawled on the bed. he was on his back, i hovered over him. lost myself control, so compelled. so frail. so pure. so rare. my hands grazed over his over his leather bound thighs. i bit down my lower lip. fingertips brushing over his crotch, then wove between his pants and his tender flesh of his lower abdomen. gently persuading the button free. tugging on the zipper, revealing his mass of black fabric. the opening slit, slightly parted. i pressed myself to complete it. both hands on his hips, lightly grasping the pants, pulling them off. i pushed my fists further into the mattress, so the tension was eased. they rolled off his legs. i threw them to the side. he still did not rouse. i lowered my head over his, my bangs brushing on his forehead. i jerked back suddenly. i must not. i sat back. bringing my knees to my chest. i wanted his attention. i placed my hand on his shoulder and pushed down, with an excessive amount of pressure. he jerked awake, staring at me in blank shock. i laid back, and rolled on my side. not facing him. "you will be the end of me." i declared. he tried to speak. as i closed my eyes, i commanded, " shut up."   
  
i awoke earlier enough. the sky was black. he was still at my side. i forced myself to depart, leaving his warm rature. as false as it was. i stumbled out into the kitchen. i gathered my things. and pulled a pen out from my binder. i rammed my free hand into his jacket's pocket and extracted the picture and his preventer identification card. i set them upon the kitchen counter. and on the back side of the photgraph, i composed. talk to me when you can handle it. and left both items, along with the pen, abandoned on the counter. i left. it is amusing. the truth is awful. but ambiguity only hurts me.  
  
  
commence. [ 7:06 a.m. ] 


	19. October 11th, AC 197 intemperate

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
  
10/11/ AC 197 [ intemperate ]  
  
perhaps some things are better unsaid. he did not attend school. i anticipated that. the entire day, i was anxious. flushed. because with every waking thought, all i could think of was him. i am not apt for this. i suppose i could cast the blame on the omission of human partiality in my youth. but i will not. the sting of his repeated denials waning. i was still affixed in his leather jacket as the last bell's tone gave forth a clear resonant sound. bitter regret. my conviction fluctuating with every breath i inhaled. every single footfall i enabled. make it cease. give me everything. or give me nothing. do not leave me in this intermediate oblivion. my infatuation will not relent. his poetic demeanor, composed in fragments. i am still choking on the taste. still craving more.  
  
the distance feels so near. the recurrence of my steps elapsed past his residence, but at the first intersection between his and mine, i altered my direction, to the left. aimlessly weaving through the impregnate sidewalk. my awareness was dulling. meshing in with all these masses of bodies. only desiring one to be at my side. my eyes averted its downcast course of conduct. minutes later, i was before the glass panes of a book store. i turned to face it the door, obstructing people's path. they converged around me. features devoid of thought. it has been weeks since i had entered. i was in here everyday, before. the female store clerk who i saw with a consistent regularity, beamed when she saw me. i nodded my head, once. i looked for a new section, today. it did not take long to locate. i crouched down, sliding my finger over the edges of the lined rows of books. securing the second to the last. i approached the counter. she smiled again. "thought we'd lost you as a customer?" i politely shook my head, then placed the book next to the register. "well you had me going." she added with a small laugh. she glanced at the book's cover. then looked up at me quickly, raising her eyebrows. my disposition did not waver. i have a keen instinct she will not be so amiable next time. is it so wrong.   
  
i carried on. down this street. a horizontal deposit of manufactured clouds materialized over head. a light spray of water ensued. the jacket repelled the water, formulating into droplets. the light reduced to a silky grey. neon signs illuminating in puddles gathering on the street. my hair soon became saturated. the cold seeping down my exposed skin, imbuing gelidity on to my flesh. i grew tired of trudging through the rain. and took stance under an eve of an establishment. clamors of voices, laughter, and soft driven melodies slow and mad, crept out the door, with each yield to the traffic. why not. it was more appealing then standing alone in the rain.   
  
my entrance was not noticed. all the tables were occupied, i advanced to the polished wood mass, spanning the majority of the length of a wall. i chose a barstool off to the corner. briefly eyeing the muti colored collection of various glass containers. i removed my newly purchased book from the plastic bag, then wadded it in my hand, discarding it on the floor. i only got a few pages before the man pouring and producing the drinks walked over to me. "a little young aren't we?" he stated with a condescending smirk playing on his lips. i looked up, lowering my book somewhat.   
  
"indeed." i acquiesced. he laughed excessively at my lack of denial.   
  
"okay. okay. i'll let you stay in here, only to get out of the rain. but you have to buy something." i raised my eyebrow at the blatant contradiction. he chuckled heartily. he waited. i pointed randomly at a bottle, he readily spilled it into a petite glass. i commenced reading again, while sipping at the tonic halfheartedly. the bourbon coaxing my throat. relishing in the fermented malt. the entanglements of people around me, intoxicating. i feasted on the novel and quenched my rendered thoughts, he akept refilling my glass. the music within the available accommodation grew more hostile, my senses were reeling. eyes scanning the printed scrawl. i was dumbfounded when a slender arm encircled my shoulder, pushing her breasts into my back. i tensed, and angled my face to view this woman.   
  
"you seem lonely." she whispered in my ear. her palm making circular motions on my upper right arm. my mouth went slightly ajar, and i looked at her in pure perplexity. i leaned away from her slightly. the words simply came. no question.   
  
"i think i am a homosexual" i stated somberly, slightly slurring my words. she recoiled, and glared at me. i spun the barstool to face her, then reproduced my book. displaying the cover clearly: coming out right: a handbook for the gay male beginner by william hansen. i burst out into laughter. falling out of my chair. she gathered me off the floor. and even wished me good luck with "that". followed by the realization of how young i was.   
  
my amusement with everything was abound. the alcohol coercing through my veins, my inhibitions non existence my body was now cold emerged in the elements, my cheeks smeared with scarlet. stumbling down the streets. leading me where i should not be venturing. i pounded on the door with a closed fist. the response was delayed, but i heard the door being unbolted. it went ajar, i saw a glimmer of his eyes through the crack. widen. the door was abruptly being shut, but i rushed it. forcing my way through. he was uneasy in shuting it. he did not turn to face me.  
  
"what are you doing here?" he asked, his back to me.   
  
" actually ... i don't know?" i stammered. and scrunched my brow in contemplation. "oh. wait" i withdrew the book from the inner breast pocket and threw it on the couch, while i struggled to maintain a steady stance. he timidly approached the piece of furniture. he sat down heavily, and scooped it in his hands. turning it upright, he looked bewindlered. my hand groped my face, as i paced throughout his living room. " i think about you constantly ..." i pronounced indistinctly. i paused resting my fingers on the slope of my brow. while ceasing my motions. " i am usually not this bold. but i would kill to call you mine, and i am usually not this bold..." i angled my body, his expression was stricken. my thought was obstructed. "has anyone told you that you are beautiful?" he averted his eyes from me. i began to walk aimlessly again "i do not even know if i care what your intentions were ... or are. i only know that ... " i made a strenuous effort to finish. but i heard him speak my name. i did not heed though. " i need to feel your touch." i suddenly grew embarrassed and went silent. again my name. i walked towards him, the coffee table met my shin. i fell foward. legs, strewn out on the low table, chest on his legs. face nestled in his crotch. i did not move, he was tense. i nudged my face against his genitals. he shot up, i slid off his lap and crashed onto the floor. the alcohol numbed the pain.   
  
i was sprawled out on the floor when i heard his footsteps initiate his departure. i crawled up onto my knees, and lunged for his leg. you cannot leave. i yelled out that i was sorry. he paused. i scrambled to my feet omitting all grace. we were standing close. my breath became rushed. he took a step back, i took one foward. his back was up against the wall. i infringed his space further, our bodies brushed together. i brought his wrist up over his head my palm restraining into soild mass. and i leaned forward , pressing my lips against his. he did not comply at first, but seconds lapsed and his lips nudged up slightly. i attempted to carry it sloppily further, but as soon as i opened my mouth his head jerked up. my lips smearing down his chin. his warm breath caressed my features. i leaned closer.   
  
"duo ... I ..." my head grew light. and i collapsed into him. but he did not obstruct my fall. i landed on the floor.   
  
  
commence. [ 9:37 a.m. ] 


	20. October 12th, AC 197 benumbed

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
  
10/12/AC 197 [ benumbed ]  
  
dolour cruciation my senses, as conciseness penetrated my slumber. an arefaction assault on my temples. a listless moan emitted from my lips, as i writhed under the covers. saturated in perspiration. piercing pain again, gnawing at me. i heaved. the span of the mattress insufficient. my torso collided with the floor. A dull sound, without resonance ensued. aching amplified. ineptly i attempted to obstruct the impertinent light from stinging my vision. subdued in that imposed placement, i racked my mind. but that was short lived. i perceived his embodiment, through the blur of my cognizant, beyond my disorderly accumulation limbs. as i attempted to position myself more properly, i was afflicted by the sudden realization to regards to were i was. imparting a biased aspect, i saw his immaculate face. i looked away. staring at the wall. stained in morning hues.   
  
"good morning." a felicitous inclination spoken. instantaneously. my fingers motioned, conveying to support my head protectively, as the reverberations throbbed through my temples. derived from his candied coated voice. tenderly proffering a hand, securing a glass of water, and a palm, with modest white pills. i beseeched the glass in hand, transferring the grip unto mine. eyes half lidded.   
  
"how did i get here?" i muttered discontentedly, lacking all pliancy. frail fingertips assorted the assumed aspirin, and removed it from his open hand. i sluggishly brought them to my mouth, ajar, followed by the rim of the glass. greedily consuming the liquid, cresting at my lips. overflowing. dribbling down my chin, and dripping onto my stale shirt.   
  
"it was me you came to in your drunken stupor." before those words could even register, his tone had grated on my ears. i slumped forward, reinstating my unsteady hands, cradling face. a soft plea.   
  
"do you have to speak so loud." trying to evoke mercy, practically failing at assuming a standing position. almost falling over as my body recoiled to his bellowed word: what. in mock of my state. my response was a cutting inhalation of air, and an unsightly twist of my features. he laughed at my plight. lethargically, i stumbled past him, and through the door. several times careening into the hall's walls. but continuing, scathed. i staggered out on to the cold linoleum of the kitchen, my feet padded by socks. omitting all legerity i homed in on the refrigerator. and laterally swung the door open. the hollow light imbuing one my pallor, once more. my sight tainted by haze, refining, as i decided what to withdraw. as my hand grazed the cardboard carton, i heard him. presumptuous, i took no heed, proceeded to clutch onto the contain of orange juice. fumbling to open it. elevating it to the siccity of my lips. the taction stiff paper on my mouth, spilling its contents down my throat. my body tensed, my grip loosened. his lips. our mouths. the palpation. the violation. everything. the carton slipped from hand, and crashed to the ground. orange juice pouring out at my feet, my socks sopping the fluid. i adverted to him. his eyes eluded my own. i stared, fault ridden. eyes wide. swaying in stance. potent with remorse, moral anguish gnawing at my immaterial entity. he extracted himself from the kitchen. lament imbuing on his composure. regret. what did i do. is that all i did. i was unsure. with his back to me, he produced his keys from his pant pocket. returning from his deviation, eyes solely upon me. he spoke thinly.   
  
"you'll probably want to go..." he offered. as he turned away, again. i could not speak. i had no desire to leave, but i could not endure being submerged in my sins. allot in my offense. a fleeting moment. fallacious instrumentality. he proceeded towards the exit. no yet. but i still intimated.   
  
it was disquieting, being in that small space. the victim and the assailant. so ill at ease. my hands were shaking. as the velocity of the car pulled on my body, a sudden convulsion. i encircled my abdomen with my arms. the veering of the vehicle agitated the impending sickness. i heard his laugh, it was distant. i lurched forward desperately trying to subdue the heave. all futile.   
  
"duo...i do not feel so well." i pathetically implored.   
  
"oh, shit!" he wailed and accelerated the car. giving way a spasmodic writhe. he took notice. "not in my car! not in my car!" he screamed at me. i did my best to comply. my palm sufficed for a compress over my mouth. as the car veered on to the side of the road, simultaneously, i impulsively threw my door open. abundant with pernicity i crawled out of the car, taking no notice that my foot was looped around the seat beat. i was able to place my open palms out before my torso, as i fell onto the pavement. the tender flesh absorbing most of the impact. i was not even permitted to wince in pain, before the vomit violently discharged from my mouth. every involuntary muscular contraction was torturous. it finally ceased. a strain of body excrement dangling from the corner of my mouth. the ungodly fluid before me, sprayed on the cement. i closed my eyes, and jerked my head away. wavily i tried to get back into the vehicle. he mustered a smile, he pitied this wretch. i wiped my mouth with my hand, i was disgusted with myself. my clothes reeked of vomit. i was a mess. i was ashamed.   
  
before i knew it my inner turmoil needed to be placed on momentary pause. the engine had grown silent, i remained motionless. every second i lingered was audacious, but i did not want to leave his company. even after my irrefutable actions. i searched his face. now i have got that feeling once again. i cannot explain. you would not understand. this is not how i am. i caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye. i turned to look but it was gone. there is no pain, yet i am receding . with excessive care, i shut the door behind me. the car did not leave, he did not leave. go. do not look back. i did not. but i wanted to. my apartment, is there anybody in there? just nod if you can hear me. is there anyone at home? no one. alone. my body, my nerves. still marred. i stripped the tainted clothing from my skin. dropping them along my path. i reached the bathroom, opaque. i did not bother to turn on the light. i drew a bath. the tub was not even half full before i set my naked body within its bowels. with my head propped upon the porcelain rim, i closed my eyes. your lips move but i can not hear what you are saying. the water was rising. the child is grown, the dream is gone. i have become comfortably numb.   
  
  
  
  
commence. [ 4:26 p.m. ] 


	21. October 13th, AC 197 unforeseen

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
  
10/13/AC 197 [ unforeseen ]  
  
false rhapsody of sleep, smearing over. its density tapering off. ponderosity pressing on my parts. clammy skin. my head cradled between slender fingers. another body crowning my own. a succubus's embrace. a tender conveyance of attention in physical nature to my face. a contrived chimera, unwound. my comatose state enervated, as my lids nimbly receded. cordial confrontation, his breath faltering. bodies drowning the the darkness, our meshed entities. shame swept away, his form lining every contour of the physical manifestation of my life. failing at the subjugation of stoic squirm. i was composed undignified, but i could not subdue my body's screams. his eyes declare a truce of trust, his voice lightly resonating, a hushed prayer.   
  
"what would you have me say?" he beseeched. a voiceless song. he managed somehow to draw closer, his mouth at my ear. bestowing his breath, sweltering my ear. a soldier's hidden gentleness, affection torn from an angel's wing. "i like that you ignore my flaws? that i like the way you look at me? or the rare moments when you smile? that i love it that you're the strong one?" a brief pause. "because without you everything falls apart?" his questions, were my answers. he drew back slightly, to moderate my response. i was overcome. words still cannot describe it entirely. was this only a masquerade, or had his guise fallen. was that my justification. or my retribution? no matter what it truly was. it will suffice, i will make it so.   
  
"duo ..." i implored. a soft rendering. my features were lax, and his face loomed over mine. his dispositation gave way, lips daubed my cheek. i twisted under his weight, uncontrolled. his mouth smudging onto my lips. plenteously engulfing my mouth, a firm pressing. my arms secured over his back, entwined us. my legs coiling around his. my hands triggering his topple, our bodies in full engagement he was completely ensnared. desire smoldering. fundamental differing set aside. intentions juxtaposed, will set two lovers souls in motion. i was strangled by our coveting, but i did not gasp. a crippling end to our communication, i did not try to speak. the poetry that comes from the squaring off between us will wait. doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication. i found the beauty in the dissonance. is it allright to be bound by your form? you adorning my body. this sense of compassion between supposed brothers, no. my lover. clutched by the still of the night, it is there that my heart is longing.   
  
should i be ashamed that i wanted to cry? that i wanted nothing more to weep into your hair, amassed in my palm. is it wrong that my loins were aching. my lust enpowering, i was alive. i was human . he was listless, nestled in my arms. before he slipped into unconsciousness, i would like to have another kiss. another flashing chance at bliss. another kiss. another kiss . another time. i clutched on to him tighter. a sudden trepidation for losing him, stirred my emotions. my attachment would not yield. do not fret now. mother? to the mother i never knew, are you happy for me? father? i must of had one. does your son get your approval? i closed my eyes. and for once i thought i was happy.   
  
open your eyes. an audible clatter. sleep recoiling. i cracked one eye open. everything had occurred. we were still entangled. his body strewn over mine, face lax with sleep. i smiled. enclosing his chin between my curled index finger and thumb, smoothing it over his lips. a knock at the door, in which enabled my awakening, repeated. i was disinclined to vacate the bed, but was forced, exerted by circumstance. being excessively careful, i slid from our lock. he did not stir. i was thankful for that, as i crossed the room, and entered the hall, trying to shake sleep from my eyes. uncaring of myself being only clad in sleep attire. i reached the door, my hand groped for the knob. opening it perilously wide. adjusting my vision, affixing it on the visitor.   
  
"heero ...?" she spoke conscientiously. i was rendered senseless. but was able to speak her name. relena was simply there. i had to grow accustom to my added height over her since last we met. her locks cropped short. adorned in a blue dress, with a white blouse bellow. fashionably lean, she was no longer a girl. which let to the realization we both had aged considerably. her eyes were glistening. my mouth opened to speak, but my voice faltered. i looked at her apologetically. she stood complaisant of my next action. she smiled sadly. but my response was something i could not convey. he enraptured me from behind, snaking an arm around my waist, resting his chin on the curve of my right shoulder.   
  
"heya. miss relena" he pronounced with twinge of genuine amiability.   
  
"duo, why have you neglected your assignment?" she retorted. i was struck with that emptiness again. becoming hollow. she could have at least humored me. not throw it blatantly in my face. i tensed, duo's support alleviating some of the distress. with my crestfallen inclination, i was faintly aware of the silence that swelled. i bowed my head and urged her entrance. in sync we stood aside, with her back to us, we exchanged perplexed glances. i took comfort that he was there. if this was a crime, here was our first witness. he and i both took stance upon the couch. i could not look at her. our past was thick, my attachment of her had not faded. she stood poised beyond the coffee table. ridden with feminine grace.   
  
"why have you come?" i inadequately inquired. an emotional coil suppressed.   
  
"when duo failed to report back to headquarters with information, i became concerned, and i became worried for you, so i sought you out to ensure your well-being." her words stung. my demeanor stiffen, as i tried to conceal my true disposition. just what am i to people, besides a threat. am i truly that expendable. i rose, docile. and proceeded to walk past her. perhaps too close, receding into the bedroom. as i sat on the edge of the matress, i heard the door shut. i hunched forward, elbows on knees, chin placed on my clasped hands. at some point duo climbed back within the sheets as my mind was afflicted with undesired thoughts.  
  
"i do not understand. why would she come?" i questioned. wanting him to soothe my frail nerves. nothing of the sort. his foot under the covers, repelled my body, somewhat. i was perturbed by his action, and stared at him blankly. he snickered. then with a grin toying on his lips, taunted.   
  
"you talk too much."   
  
"i think that you have that reversed" i stated. trying not to let the jest alter my features. i crawled back under the bedding, and lied adjacent to him. he inched closer to me. tossing a sheet over our heads. proceeding to firmly fastened my arms around himself. i leaned my head on his provided shoulder. no offered solace for my irresolution. no words at all. i exhaled loudly, trying to remind myself not to ruin this. his presence did settle my anguish to indifference. grievously i mused. you are going to have to hold on alittle bit tighter. i might just slip away.   
  
  
  
  
commence. [ 10:36 p.m. ] 


	22. October 14th, AC 197 implication

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
  
10/14/AC 197 [ implication ]  
  
incessant impelling tactions. depleting my repose. "wakey. wakey" he disclosed, tone abated. still seemingly subdued by sleep, our interval widening. i abruptly captured his wrist in my fingers. his bondage bestowing coy divertissement. in segnity, my lids parted, proceeded by an oscitation. i am still mesmerized by the deposited features occupying his face, i am reduced to a mere aesthete. is that superficial of me? a smile tightened his lips. "good morning sunshine." i groaned. turning away from him i became aware of my erection. in attempts to conceal my ailment, i rose from the mattress, meandering to the bathroom. over imposing a somnolence that had already left my senses. lightly nudging the door over. enclosed in the walls, i flicked on the light. gingerly, i began to peel my material confinements. bowing my back, rotating the shower knob, stepping under the spray. the liquid enveloping body. to my daunt the water did not deter my aroused extension.   
  
bemused by the impending risk, influenced by sex-starved convets. my red right hand. i clutched the inflamed endowment, hopefully enabling expedient masturbation session. my hedonistic fondling incited unsought utterances of amatory. during this i must have lided my eyes for i did not see his arms coming. the instigator, himself. his arms firmly enwrapped me in the shower curtain. i was stupefied. he maintained his hold on my chest. i could not see anything but the moisten plastic curtain. what could he see? a low dry scream emitted from my mouth. "what'cha doing in there heero?" his frolicsome voice, a mocking question. he knew. he knew what i was doing. i became resilient. and squirmed urgently, in till i broke free from his hold. careening into the slippery tiled wall, practically loosening my footing. my body was heaving, as i inhaled sharply, trying to regain my composure, which could never fully be restored after this incident. his laughter erupted from the other side of the flimsy divider. i was impeded, utterly abashed. i would have inaugurated a supplication, but my voice was unfathomable. body ephemerally immobile. stop. anything to stop his laughter. saccharin laughter. my hand searched wildly for an object. briefly i latched onto the bar of soap, before hurling it at him. i heard it collided into the wall.   
  
"hey, that almost got me! besides, you'll need that to wash your hands ." he pronounced. he left me, laughter squandering. i finished my shower. my bare feet slapped against the linoleum, i draped a towel around my waist. and ceased all motion. how could i face him? plagued by insecurities. disgusted with myself. i do not recall initiating the first foot fall. i prompted myself to the closet. purposely evading all direct eye contact. after slipping on my boxers, under the damp towel, tugging it off, and then discarding the absorbent cloth. i mustered an adequate amount of confidence, and angled my head towards him. a grin blatantly plastered on his face. he extended one index finger then stroked it with his other. condemning me further by clicking his tongue. his deride of me soon diminished. all becoming impartial, though as we made our way to school, i spied that smirk endured.   
  
i was sullen during our commute. conversation was practically nonexistent. my reverie was abound. slowing my pace, becoming detached. in till his hand firmly seized my wrist, and laboriously began to pull me along. i had to accelerate my stride. duo tarried before the threshold of our first class. awaiting my entry. i affirmed the request, scrupulous penetrating the cavity, as the last toll of the tardy bell echoed through the hollow halls. i faded out of cognizance, upon taking my seat. but a profound twang summoned my attention. a female body spawled before my desk. vestige was duo's foot, slowly retracting back under its rightful position. he leaned forward and leered at the misfortunate girl. "my leg's never been quite the same since the war." he indicated. relena angled her face at him, perturbed, chagrined. i stood and approached her solemnly, positioning on my haunches i began to gather her few books. i gazed upon her face momentarily, in consequence, i offered my hand. her fingers clasped my palm and we rose together. promptly yielding her accumulated items in her hand. she hesitantly acquired them, and i proceeded to my seat. i recaptured the desk adjacent to duo's. observant of his blithe. before i was able to speculate, i heard our instructor.   
  
"duo, would you care to explain why you and mr. yui were again tardy?"   
  
duo answered.   
  
"well, you see heero ..." he divulged. removing his inert hand from under the desk, then began to wave it in the air. forming an obscene gesture. i could not conceal my swelling embarrassment, imbuing on my cheeks. i sharply conducted my body to face his. i struck him with my open palm on his upper arm, exerting with excessive force. he laughed like a child delighted by a nonsense rhyme. then flaunted a cryptic smile.   
  
at lunch, again i was unable to locate duo's whereabouts. i abandoned my efforts. and confiscated a trivial placement at an unoccupied table in the cafeteria. allocated my text books and binder on the manufactured plateau. sitting in complete languor, disinclined to deem these string of recent occurrences. light tread of footsteps, approaching my disposition. she materialized before me. her movements seemed to defy gravity, such delicate poise. her structure must have been crafted from light bones of a bird. "i never got to thank you." she affectionately notified. i gazed at her. words could not form. she grew uneasy, and meekly inquired, "may i sit down?" i nodded and straighten my posture. she set her frail figure upon the plastic mold of the chair. i averted my eyes. silence seeping through us. finally, rushed, she spoke. " did i do say something wrong yesterday?" her question practically an apology by her tone.   
  
"no." i lied. while affixing my sight upon her. her lips pulled into a deplored smile. i lowered my eyes. did i cause her this grief? is this damage my rendering. my features must have twisted into a grimace. she spoke my name with dull doubt. i shook my head from side to side. "it is nothing." another false statement. moments later, the bell sounded, and i stood. i gathered my things, and began to walk away. my vision caught her fingers slowly curled into a wave of farewell. i nodded.   
  
for the remainder of the day my mind was reeling. if i was so dispensable why was my vice marring anyone who comes in contact with me. was i just imposing a lie on myself? so i can indulge in self-pity with ease. i could only conclude that i was failing. as i sought to form invisible bonds with other human beings, i placed them in harm's way. why must i be so inadequate. i waited for him after school. with this stigma burned on my bleeding heart, encircled in thorns. i waited. greed. how loathsome of me place him in peril so i would not be alone, so i could be suspended in his rapture. will i taint him? i want lose myself. only he can bestow it. everything for him. only him. forgive me duo.   
  
he found me, delayed. without looking at him i stated in a whisper. "you left me alone with her." i wanted to confide my dismay, my fears, my guilt. i was broken, and so desperately wanted him to mend me. but i was rudely reminded his lack of concern the day previous. i mused the thought that i would make him fix me. without justification i obtained a grasp of his forearm, unscrupulously. leading him to my apartment. he completely complied, expect with one feeble protest.   
  
"not so rough!"   
  
once secured within those hallowed walls. my composure was cracking. all my inquires, not refuted. the truth impending, in its complete horrid nature. my apparent inadequacy. human nature was something i could never be suitable for. i backed away from him, cue my destruction. this is were i fall apart. "what's wrong?" blank emotion. will you piece me back together? no. i cannot ask that of you. i still wish you would, though. i want to be complete. "what can i do?" he entreated voice faltering, bitter remorse. will you always be there? i do believe it is working. you cannot fix me, can i become part of you? i cannot promise that i will not ask for much. his eyes fell. steady footfalls, i surrounded him. he was transfixed. i seized his waist with my arm, ensnaring his to my body. forcibly pressing his form against mine. my mouth seized his lips. jaggedly contorting my body against his for my own erotic endeavors. pulling away briefing to inhale, i nudged my head into his face, smearing my lower lip against his cheek. enclosing my lips over his once more, already wet with his saliva. i drove his body into the closed door. as my hands groping his back, trailing over his chest, then firmly grasping onto his hips. drawing his pelvis to my crotch. thunder, a rapping. no. not yet. i was almost ... i was almost apart of him. i abruptly pulled back as the door shook for the second time with a knock. painstakingly evident that someone was on the other side. my breaths were rapid, as i distingushed relena's voice.   
  
"no one's home!" he continued to yell in his mock asian accent. "try down the hall." we were alone once more. he threw himself up against the wall. his lower lip quivering with pout. even crossing his arms. i laughed quietly at his frustration. recalling his mock of me this morning, i discontinued our engagement. one ill turn deserves another.   
  
  
commence. [ 11:10 p.m. ] 


	23. October 17th, AC 197 covetous

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
  
10/17/AC 197 [ covetous ]  
  
i never thought i would be satisfied falling into a daily routine, yet waking by his side is something i will never take for granted. he is beginning to deplete my resources of clean attire, but no matter i still wear his jacket. i feel a twinge of entailing guilt, seeing him display my garments on his body, i have to repress a smile. the school hours produced to be widely trifling. my attention span was harboring quite an impairment. reverie consuming me. the anamnesis of the preceding night's folly. he attempted placate my incorporeal wounds, it came forced, that was cognitional. he wanted to be in oblivion, or have it go unsaid. no pure pathos bestowed by him, so be it. i took him bodily. his flesh is so tangible to my fingertips, impelling them to taint more tissue. perhaps even complicating things further. i mused further about if our entangled session attained culmination. then openly grimaced at thought of my inexperience. though the allurement of fumbling around with his naked body had not corroded.   
  
"tell me how much you missed me" his words jarring me from my catalepsy. a coy tone, broad impish smile sullied his lips. swelling disharmony latent. i was rendered speechless, a novel tribulation deduced from a notion of everything i wanted to hear, everything i feared, and all the unvoiced doubts that interlay between those extremes. impossibly, my apprehension heightened as did my savour for his company, as his arm coiled around my waist. my composure was dissolving under his rapture. i shifted my body closer, so with each stride my thigh brushed upon his. we only completed a few footfalls, before he was jerked from behind, spinning to face his assailant, disengaging in all taction. his features flaunting a contempt glare, but his eyes widen, face twisting into jovial excitement, taking pleasance in seeing her. i turned to face her fully. these feelings he was conveying was mutual. his arms were amorphously while he leapt into an embrace, engulfing her wholly. i went taut, bone rigid as i observed.   
  
"hey short stuff!"   
  
"so where've you been hiding out all this time?"  
  
all words, all laughter, the emitted from him, genuine. no bitterness, no irony, no ill jest, simply joy. i never heard such a laugh. i tried to remain impartial, but every time i affixed my sight on them, it became more apparent my presence was obsolete. i averted my eyes, gaping aimlessly paved walkway, crossewise from my stance. it is difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. he was still smiling at her, when i sensed his eyes falling on me, i had aready looked away, i could no longer endure it. temporarily mortified. the decay and dejection of my disposition indicating their existence, i urgently strived to shape a guise over. i felt the discretion of a female frame setting position at my side. a kind smile spread over her lips, i gave a silent acknowledgment. i soon grew distracted, as Duo motioned closer to Hilde. away from me. a sudden pang. as he prodded her with his index finger, both relishing in each other's company. i slowly angled my head when she articulated.  
  
"afternoon, heero."  
  
finding it difficult to fully focus on her, i offered a dull salutation, their laughter bleeding over my voice. that was the limit to our conversation, i suppose to implore a response from me, she blurted.   
  
"were you aware quatre is here, too?" too. i repeated it in my mind. that word penetrated my psyche, piercing, ravaging, marring. its acrid undulation filling the void of my conscious. "is that so." bitterly absorbed in my thoughts.   
  
"yes. and actually we are sharing a living arrangement." she paused. surely considering her impending proposition. "i'm sure he would like to see you?" i looked to her. palsy dissuading my condition. by nodding my head once, she took the first step, i inattentively imitated. duo with hilde ensued. i am unsure of his motive, but duo raced before us all, feet still in motion, he pivoted, confronting us, relena at my right, hilde, my left. not faltering in pace, as his feet stepping in the opposite of the according direction. his hands shooting up behind his head, cradling at the nape of his neck. vision trailing over each of us.   
  
"well, let's not all talk at once now" he remonstrated with the addition of a chuckle. the remark spurred no other laughter but his own. my eyes were downcast, i had nothing to say. the torrent of feelings gnawing at my inter workings. my vision adjusted, scrutinizing over his feet patterns. haltingly footfalls. his heel collided with a slab of elevated concrete, his legs buckled. arms jutted out to reinstate his correct center of gravity, but to defy this fall was futile. i did not even think, simply responded, action conveying with no mental stimuli. i lunged forward, seized his flailing forearms, steadied, then propeled him to me, enabling his upright pose. disengaging in his touch, he exclaimed dramatically, "what would i do without you, heero!" more laughter. he restored our taction, weaving his arm around my back, similar to before. my limbs faltered, i quivered slightly. so he was twined with me again, i did not know how to feel.   
  
an inaudible utterance dispersed from relena, as she quickened her pace, leading us forward. upon our permeation through the open door, duo ceased all motion in the threshold. openly leered at quatre's ailment, concealed in a cast. quatre and i exchanged brief glances, lacking a sense of security under duo's uncouth eyes. i pressed my elbow into the limber flesh of his side. his body convulsed slightly, surprisingly curt, as he can out of his trance. he strewn his limbs on the couch were quatre was positioned. as duo chimed in with, "hey buddy, long time no see." hilde and relena placed themselves on the couch as well. i remained stagnet, before the door. i slid my hands into my pockets, feeling my presence again was not necessary. duo's gaze adjusted upon me, and lingered. the conversing had dwindled. i witnessed their vision all trying to grasp something for a distraction. i saw a glimmer of quatre's soft stare, as he angled his face towards duo. duo's posture tweaked, then he did the same as he heard the syllables slip from quatre's mouth.   
  
"did heero give you his consent for joining the preventers yet?" he sheepishly inquired. a tremor swept over my form at the sound of my name, my abdomen contracted. my muscles, drawn tight. i think i briefly lidded my eyes, and exhaled keenly. as i reached for the door handle i distinctly heard duo's shrill of quatre's name, imposing his credence on him. i closed the door behind me, with a slight excess of force.   
  
motioning down the cement path, for a fleeting moment i hated them all. parading into the life derived from nothing, my life. i know it was wretched, but it was mine. i had made effort to detach myself from that their imposed ideals of me, their expectations of me, their sought out purpose for me. but it is not even as simple as that, if it was things would be so much more easier. they came to propose a proposition to me, each day my trepidation runs deeper. is that why he came, the sole reason. he still has never denied it. then her, relena was never one to stray from duty. and that girl i faintly remember, so close to him. is everything being stripped from me. i probably deserve this, all of this. even quatre's presence irks me. no matter how well intentioned he is. i still feel exploited. my thoughts swayed to duo. assure me my feelings are not in vain. no hypocrisy, no humoring. convince me. is it pathetic of me that if i had all my fears realized that i would still covet you. lamentation was interrupted.   
  
a trail of foot steps, his breath slightly hurried to match his pace. impetuously he extended his back against my back, snugly inserting his finger into my back pant pocket. inclining his side of his body against mine. lightly pressing his palm on my fundament. his touch was soothing, yet inflicted pain alike. without a trigger, he lightly spoke, "i'm sorry." i relented, somewhat. my eyes must have glazed over, my body fidgeted, a breath delayed, something. he smiled, assuming his brief apology had been accepted. she was behind us, duo looked back at her, i felt his body heaving with laughter against mine. our threefold saunter ceased at the crosswalk, a light forbade us to proceed. "where did you plan on staying?" duo submitted his query. listless, my eyes were focused on the flow of traffic, obstructing us. he ceased our contact, throwing his arms into the air. "why don't you stay with me?" i took a step back. the light still blinking red. together they moved, following the contour of the sidewalk. neglecting my disposition. do not leave, i pleaded with myself. the question looming. answer lucid. flashing red. soberly i stepped off the curb. walking undeterred. between the strips of white paint on the black pavement. i perceived the screech of tires, i halted. looking upon the vechile apathetically, then proceeding, light still an incessant red.   
  
nonentity. silence sounds. all waiting for me. i slammed the door, after my entrance. monochrome leaving my sight, all, all but exquisite red. swaths of reality blurring, as my knees gave way before my bed, sheets still amiss from this morning. i rested my chest on the mattress, my cheek pressed flat against the comforter. i closed my eyes. i made the choice to go away, in the back, off the to the side, and far away. here is the place where i hide, where i stay. i tried to say. tried to ask, i needed to. but did not. i would share everything with you, if you wanted. but there is an imbalance, things are not mutual, are they? why can you not laugh that way for me ... would you mind if i tried? i admit that was a test, and you failed. as selfish as it was, you failed. i ran away, and you still stayed. it hurts. i crawled into bed. sleep did not come. maybe what i am missing is not your affection, but my purpose. my machine. maybe wufei was correct, a soldier's purpose is war and war alone. yet, i have no desire to enable the saluter of another other. i have all the pieces, its faint impression. i would kill for you. alter my faults for your whims, just allow me to be at your side, show me how to forgive you. fix me. i am bitter. i should not be, you are my life at the moment. but I threw you the obvious, just to see if there is more behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. is that the end? have i reached my truth? you will never follow me, will you, my only friend? i cannot help but to consider this a punishment, my life, my sentence. if i can help it, i will never look into your eyes again. but that is wrong. all i want to do is get with you and make the pain go away. here I am expecting just a little bit, too much from the wounded. you have your own suffering, i need to realize this. the end of laughter and soft lies, the end of nights we tried to die. is it wrong of me to want it all or nothing. it hurts too much. and i will take what i can get. i just had the realization i cannot sleep without you by my side. my bed is made for two. i my hand groped for your body. not there. thoughts continued to plague me. all poisoned by you.   
  
pale predawn sky. have i truly been awake that long? i purposely did not shower. in fear of losing your lingering touch. i altered my attire, tan slacks and a loose black longed sleeved shirt, buttons trailing up my chest. as i secured the last button, i decided not to wear his jacket, i lacked merit. and left. light clnging to the memory of dawn. climate devoid of all warth. inclemency bestowing its frigid kiss upon my skin. i arrived two hours early. the halls abandon. leaning against the locked door of my first period class. the deprivation of sleep possessing my stream of consciousness. thirty minutes later the instructor arrived. eyeing with odd contempt as i removed my lithe form from the door. i ignored it. he inserted the key and opened the door. i entered first, and heedlessly maneuvered to my desk. he nonchalantly sat as his own, trying to blot my presence out while he graded papers and slipped on coffee. a haze of sleep was drawn before my eyes. i set my head on the desk, forehead pressing on the cold wood, angling my arms around my head. absence of motion. i was lulled to sleep.   
  
  
commence. [ 9:36 a.m. ] 


	24. October 18th, AC 197 lassitude

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com. or if you are interested in reading other characters' blogs or interested in applying for a character please go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
  
  
  
  
10/18/AC 197 [ lassitude ]  
  
silken repose purifying, polishing cognizance. coerced by a scanty ardor, oppressing my features. consciousness imminent. i parted my eyes, deficient of haste, reacquainted myself with the predicament. greeted by the artistry of his face. ushering my departure of quiescence, the bulk of my senses lagging in arrears. illusions of love redeeming my requiescat contemplation, grievance swarming. his head and arms perched on my desk, his forehead pressing against mine, slightly. one more medicated peaceful moment, a smile staining his lips. dragging my arm, my hand slid across the cold desk, and clasped with his. interlacing our fingers. his mouth parting, reedy euphony spilling, coaxing me.   
  
"did i ever tell you, you're my hero?" an ethereal harlequin, venus as a boy. i would have engaged further, my face with lax with latent lassitude, my lids fell. yet i was able to cajole the further adjoining of our forms, enhancing our proximity. my breath slowing, fleeting unbroken continuity. displaced by the overly distinct clearing of a throat, and aged man's tone. our instructor. duo prompt with celerity, as he recoiled. lurching my arm forward, our hands still conjoined. finally splitting, as he stumbled further back, driving the gap between us. my arm limply fell, imapcting partly on the desk's span, below the angle of my arm, listless swung off my desk, still harboring the reverberations of the repel. my inclination, somewhat forlorn. i tried to detach, tried to decree. i empathized, i would be ashamed of me also. it is okay.   
  
"i was checking for a pulse" he stumbled through his words. followed by perturbed laughter, voice emitting from his desk's vicinity.   
  
"would you give him cpr as well?" the history teacher twisted the excuse to an insinuation.   
  
"funny fucker aren't you" duo uttered under his breath, rushed, pouting. as the shrill of the bell bled over his voiced consonants. my peers filtered through the door, i enveloped my head in my arms, in a vain attempt to dull the sound. class soon was in session.   
  
"who would like to go first?" referring to our project presentations. i did not have the decency to lift my head to his inquiry. "heero, duo. thank you for volunteering."   
  
"hey, give the guy a break, he's hardly conscious!" duo's blatant protest. he did not relent on his imposed proposition. "why I oughta..." he sulked. i faintly heard his balled fist slamming upon the desk.   
  
"does mr. maxwell now speak for the two of you, heero?" i was slightly amused with the question.   
  
"he has a big enough mouth for the both us." i spoke into the desk, dry humor.   
  
"what about my mouth, heero?" insidiously queried. my back heaved in soft laughter. which caused my head to motion, fluctuating, forehead battering into the smooth mass. i heard the creak of duo's chair, and percieved him stalking up to the front of the classroom, triggering my wearisome languor. i clung on to the podium, in a dire attempt to stabilize my sway of stance. i can not honestly recall my makeshift speech entirely, only fragments. the tangents of shards of a soldier. my misanthropic prose unnerved some students. i hardly paid heed to the syllabus. the focalization consists of only one of the requirements: did the gudam mobile suits hinder or help organizations like oz and white fang? i faltered when i spoke one of my concrete details.   
  
"the pilot of wing gundam ..." i paused, and stared at my hand rueful, through half lidded eyes. i contracted my fingers. " enabled the death of the majority of the ranking officials in earth sphere alliance. which permitted oz and the romefeller foundation to further mainfest, and take action." this was becoming to denterminal to my sanity, i apprehended duo fidgeting behind me. i quickly finished my droning. and averted my attention to him, mock innocence imbued on his features.  
  
"duo, did you manage to produce a visual aid?" i slurred my words. he in a false fashion, began to fish aimlessly in each of his pant pockets. seemingly portraying that he had a small item concealed in his palm. he walked before me, then suddenly knelt, opening his empty palms, extending his arms.   
  
"ta-dah!" then he gestured to me. awkward silence. he commanded the class to clap.   
  
we were beckoned to stay after class. i staggered with ennui, in till i was positioned before his desk. my fatigue was gnawing at my senses, i was leaning into duo for support. my crutch.  
  
"heero, would you care to explain your, conflicting opinion, of operation meteor?" my logic hampered, impeded my response, duo's reply substituted my own.   
  
"you mean to tell me you'd been in the presence of celebrities and never knew it?" flauting counterfeit emotional offense. the man was refraining from speech, while duo proceeded. "i like to think we had a significant role in the war" he continued. his elbow softly collided with my side and he set his hands on the bow of his waist. duo left no time to let the divulged information sink in. and concluded. "the role of piloting, to be precise." he finally responded, but duo was nudging me, signifying our impending remotion. my volition was only pursuing him, clinging to his footfalls with my own benumbed ambulation. unaware of his notions as we exited through the main doors of establishment. we approached his car, he unsecured the passenger door with its corresponding part. sustaining the door open, wide, as i floundered into the seat, he even gently closed the door. i inclined the nape of my neck on edge of the head prop of the car's seat. i must have drifted off, because i was stirred when his vehicle came to a slow halt. i slanted the placement of my face, we exchanged a brief gaze, before, i mustered the stamina to crawl out of the car, and rise to my feet. from scalp to soles resided a dull ache. my upright position was wavering. he secured a hand on my shoulder, and escorted me up the stairs and through the door. my constancy entirely bestowed upon me by him. he ceased taction before the couch. sitting down forcibly. i think he expected me to meander to bed. but i refused to leave him. not yet. my knees buckled before the mass of furniture. i knelt on the cushions, motioning closer to him, dragging my body along fabric encased padding. turning on my back, nestling the back of my head on his lap. liding my eyes. relishing in his touch as he softly toyed with the hair that fell on my forehead. my breathing rate was decreasing. serenity was displaced by his subdued questioning. "would you mind if i spent tomorrow afternoon with hilde?" twinge of dubiety. soothed by the fact he sought out my consent. i cracked my eyes open ephemerally. intently peering up on to his face.   
  
"you are spending the evening with me then." i instructed, coveting the demand to be complied with. his rich joviality expressed by light laughter. reveling in my euphoria, delivered by his touch. he began to grow restless as i became more idle.  
  
"heero sleepy ... heero not want to play." he stated, abound in amusement, as he lingered over the words sleepy and play. i rolled on my side, head shifting, portions of my face grazing his lower abdomen.   
  
"i could not sleep without you" i thinly confessed. he tensed slightly, i felt that. i desperately held on to consciousness, in hopes he would offer some reply. time lapsed, i was succumbing to sleep. i lifted my chest from the couch, with the intentions of going to bed. but i was obstructed, his hand snared my waist, i rendered to his will. assuming my previous position. a quick indistinct utterance.  
  
"what would you say if i said i couldn't live without you?" i said nothing. i inched closer to him, while groping for his hand. slowly seizing it in my own, the retention of my fingers clutching on to his palm. i implored my sight upon him once more before sealing my eyes. i smiled. i smiled at the hidden law of a probable outcome. and if i told you that I loved you, you would maybe think there is something wrong. i know a man of too many faces, the mask i wear is one.  
  
  
  
commence. [ 6:37 p.m. ] 


	25. October 19th, AC 197 lechery

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com. or if you are interested in reading other characters' blogs or interested in applying for a character please go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]  
  
[ Sorry for the delay! Eeh, the site, current entries, and life have been getting unruly ... Again thanks for the commentary! heh finally spurred me to update ... and Nick Cave? ah I adore the song Red Right Hand, heh but i was going for the loose inference that the right hand is more susceptible to evil manifesting ... heh heh. And if you actually deem me worthy of your endorsement, go right ahead, lol though I am unsure why you'd want to ... lol And I heard mention of a Quatre applicant ... lol did my ears prick? Our Quatre left us ... thanks a lot guys! Take care! ]  
  
  
  
  
10/19/AC 197 [ lechery ]  
  
the mattress quivered, jostling my senses. heightening awareness. the bed frame creaked as he removed his form from it. i was striving to fend the imminent consciousness. i partially raised my right eye lid, warring through the blur, refining, gaping at him, as he pawed through my garments hanging in my closet. singling out his preference. i was leering in a discreet fashion, as he eliminated his sordid attire to replace it for more of my own. concealing his body once more. he lightly applied his frame to the mattress, hunching over to tug his books over his socked feet, proceeding to lace them up. meticulously rising, humoring my supposed inactive state. i hurriedly closed my eyes, as i heard his footfalls approach my side of the bedstead. i perceived his torso bow, strains of disarranged hair grazing over my upper abdomen. his hands supporting, on either side of my shoulders. his breath imposing on my featured, i timidly revealed my eyes, trying to mimic the first time. a soft laugh. he gingerly removed tufts of hair from my forehead, before lowering himself further. our mouths being the designated convergence point. a gesture, impeccant intent. i was in privation for more of his touch. my arms rose, encircling his back, in a desperate hope to interlock our forms, secure him to my side. he became resilient, and receded. i lowered my eye lids, as his laugh resounded.  
  
"brush your teeth, dragon breath." he innocently insulted. i overplayed my offense to the jeer. presenting my back to him, before rearranging the sheets over my head. emitting a displeased incoherent utterance i heard his exit. if anything his affront was leaving preceding to noon. brooding over the fact he stated afternoon in his query yesterday. it was still two hours till.   
  
before my commute to the kitchen, i actually displaced the effort and reassembled the sheets and comforter accordingly. withdrawing a bland bowl, spotted spoon, and a box of corn flakes cereal, its contents stale. allotting them span of the kitchen table, as i reached for the carton of milk encased in the refrigerator's bowels. posing my frame on the wooden chair, discharging thick pale liquid over the flecks of condensed corn by product. inserting my spoon, swirling it through the mixture, aimlessly. lacking all desire to consume this substance. my thoughts oscillating randomly. all comprised with his emanation. he was with her. i did somewhat felicitate for him, and his close acquaintance. i looked up, vision lingering on each of the three empty chairs at the table. acerbic emotions. i dropped the spoon, the metal against the glass clang was juxtaposed against the silence. my qualm was not solely with her mien, i entertained a recurring consternation of losing him. i did not deserve his encompass, his words, his voice. i was endued with duo maxwell. and i was expecting too much. for him to assume the role of my comrade, friend, and lover. i am attributed with no kindled spirits, only duo. heero swallow your grief, and do not choke on the bitterness. do not ruin your affinity with him. only take the title of lover. though i am willing to distend and apply myself to his whims. anything. for him.   
  
emptying the contents of the bowl down the sink, with nothing else to suffice for a meal, i made the advances to the decision of obtaining groceries. flowing through the dull rituals of preparing myself to immerse myself into society with prompt dexterity. i went aboard a bus to reach any suitable market, impregnate with a wide representative collection of people. i stood, securing my footing by grasping on to metal fixture that hung from the vehicle's ceiling. i purchased the bare necessities along with the contrast of nourishment low in nutritional value. in attempt to appease duo's habitual appetite. i looped the various plastic sacks' makeshift handles over my wrists, securing them with the retention my fingers firm contraction. i reached the conclusion that i had inadequate coinage for the bus traverse back, in an arduous fashion. having to remove my form from the momentarily stationary bus. briefly assessing the correct direction, i initiated the first footfall, the parcels weight, bearing down on my limbs.   
  
the cement track was soon afflicted with my scorn. but was propitiated by the knowledge i would be in his fellowship. each step coinciding a dalliance of the mind. making memories of events that never occurred. reliving past. we were going to be alone tonight. i was abruptly smitten. the reecho of his manifesto, that i did not want to play. thoughts snaring on the word play. what was he insinuating. i could only extrapolate. second guessing is dangerous, but i will risk it. halting all progress, positioning before the telephone booth. sliding the plastic bags loops, fully on to my wrists, as i motioned to gather the dense yellow book, dangling on a chain. propping it on the phone booth's outer structure, racking my mind for the according section. flipping to the appointed a's section, my fingertip pressing against the page, scanning down the adult book stores names. searching for a address, belonging to a store close in range. erotic endeavors. a half a mile away. i set the thick book down, repressing my chagrin.   
  
the windows were blackened in. a neon sign flickered over the door. a sign forbade anyone under twenty-one affixed on the door. the music's superfluity bass surging through the exterior walls. i grew pensive. my disinclination for entering was evident, but i did not want it to be my folly that if our tryst did escalate, it could not proceed. anything sexual was alien to me. i did know male intercourse did require lubrication. i cringed at my nescience at executing positions, still unknowing if i would assume the dominant or servile pose. that was up to him. i would not argue. a young male clerk behind the the counter smiled at me upon my entry. i was tense. quickly averted my eyes, no matter where i gazed i was faced with something indecent. i maneuvered to a rack of books. hastily attempting to locate a title that would apply to my own situation.   
  
"can i help you?" he politely offered. i jumped at the sound of his question, stumbling back. careening into a display of pornographic videos. he chuckled thinly, then made a gesture that he would be at my service. pride wounded, i attempted to select some books. sex tips for gay guys by dan anderson. gay sex: a manual for men who love men by jack hart. men loving men: a gay sex guide by mitch walke. i gathered them all, balancing them, disturbing their weight evenly. we exchanged brief glances as i wove through the aisles. he showed no malicious scrutiny. i diverted my attention to the assorted capped tubes. reaching for the k-y brand. text reading, anal/vag lubrication-jelly condom safe. that reminded me. i needed those as well. suddenly self-conscious, considering if duo's virginity had been intact. i tried to shake that off. carefully passing through another aisle. the condoms were hanging off a rack, attached to a wall right of the register counter. a variety of boxes. i drew closer, timid in manner. pausing all motions, systematically examining the text on each box. i raised and extended my arm, hand about to pull a box off. then i took notice to legible bold text, plastered on each package. regular, large, or extra large. my hand froze in mid air. fingers retracted. i went to reach again, yet recoiled. again. i simply had no idea which container held my proper size . bewildered, i stared on. "they don't bite." his voice boomed. frustrated. uncomfortable. i sheepishly took one of each.   
  
i walked to the register, placing the books, boxes, and tube on the glass counter, avoiding to bestow my gaze on what the glass was encasing. he produced a brown paper bag, unfolding it, ascribing it on the span's mass. he eagerly began to ring up the books, placing each precisely in the bag's provided void. while clutching the last volume, he looked up at me and spoke with a coated tone. " you know ... you can't learn everything in a book." he pointed out. i swallowed thickly. " i could teach you." he offered through a mouth pulled into a grin. i felt the heat of my reddened features.   
  
"...what?" my voice cracked, sounding like a puberal boy. he snickered while ringing up the other items. concealing them all into the brown sack. the twenty-something clerk did not dictate the the total price, his delay due to him walking around the counter. i grew apprehensive. willing myself not to look at his toiling beyond my back. he materialized again, ostentatiously supporting candles. twenty or so amassed by cellophane.   
  
"first time." he observed. smirking, "better make it special! ... if only my boyfriend went to such lengths, i would be so much happier." he stuffed the candles into paper satchel. i handed him a hundred dollar bill, he omitted the price of the candles from the bill. as i left he pronouced. "he's lucky to have you! have fun!"   
  
i rushed home. some of the groceries were beginning to melt, and i had reading to complete. immured the items in the cabinets or refrigerator. hiding the cylinder of lubrication and boxes of condoms in the drawer of the nightstand adjacent to the bed. sitting on the floor, back inclined on the side of the mattress i cracked open the books. trying to fully comprehend and absorb all the material. rereading certain passages in till i felt confident with what it was conveying. i spend several hours going through the books. ceasing when i glanced at the clock, displaying the time, five seven. i shot up. stuffing the books under the bed. racing up, to take another shower. i was overly discriminative in my choice of attire. finally compromising, loose light blue denim jeans, secured by a black leather belt, and a white button up long sleeved shirt. no socks, or shoes. daylight was fading as i stood before the bathroom mirror. fastening the buttons in the slits of fabric, i looked at myself. discontent. it was too bland. my hand rose to my chest, a single finger coaxing each button free. i ran my hand through my hair, followed by a nervous sigh. trepidation that i did not achieve sexual appeal. i had spend an hour scrutinizing over my appearance. i was anxious, my nerves were swelling. i suddenly remembered the candles, i spirited out to the kitchen, fumbling through a drawer in search of matches. clenching on to them triumphantly, promptly tore off the plastic off the package. contemplating there fixed designation. i strewn ten around the bed frame, some on the dresser, some on the floor. i thought it was best to spread the remaining yellowish cylinders of wax through the living room. placing a few on stereo located on the computer desk, the coffee table, and the hard wood floor. night had descended.   
  
i inserted my more subdued classical cd collection into the stereo. as i lit the last candle, i heard a knock at the door, i purposely locked it before hand. my body quavered uncontrollably, enabling the flickering flame to caress my finger. a hiss of pain, curling my upper lip in contempt. i encircled the singed tissue into the palm of my other hand, and i rose. my hands were trembling as i motioned to the door, i rapidly rubbed my hands together. i was close enough to open it. i reached for the knob, flicking the lock free, twisting it, enabling its release. i could not look at him just yet, as i pulled it open, as i angled my face to the side. leaning my lithe form against the door frame. i spoke, attempting to evoke enticement. "i have been expecting you." no reply. i forced myself to meet his eyes. tear brimming eyes. her blank expression. i opened to speak but i faltered. she sharply spun to leave. this pain, i am the cause. i did not want to befoul her any longer. i did not know what infact she is to me, but i am aware of my tender coil for her. i need to be redeemed by the one i have sinned against. i latched on to her arm. "do not go." she complied. i lead her into enclosed space of my quarters. the fleeting oblivion to the atmosphere i attempted to created. she stepped away from me, her back facing me, still moments of silence. i heard a few muffled sobs. i spoke her name with question. she directed her tear soaked face at me. her mouth parted to speak, no words ensued. she shook her head in defeat. my eyes went downcast, i heard her footsteps drift away. frame posing on the cushions of the couch. she cradled her face in her open palms. her delicate frame heaving. i ventured closer. sitting next to her, placing my hand on her shoulder. she lifted her upper body and imposed our embrace. her cries softened by my shoulder. she slanted her head away, and with a wavering voice she questioned.   
  
"what's wrong with me ... ? why can't we be together?" i stiffen my stance. i enabled more space to form between us. slowly, softly, firmly pulling away.   
  
"you are a dove relena." her fingers amassed the fabric of my open shirt. i repeated. "a dove. it would be against nature for you to consort with a wolf of war. a snake of sin." i paused, feeling my voice cracking. i was cresting with emotion. "duo and i. we are strings derived from the same cloth." i could not will myself to proceed.   
  
"i am sorry." she stammered. i drew her into a hug, mimicking duo and hilde's movements.   
  
"do not be." i whispered. she lingered in my hold. before finally pulling away. i mustered a smile. she looked down. i rose with her, and escorted her to the door. i motioned to open it, but she did it before i could. standing outside the threshold, she looked back. i held her stare. she walked away. gingerly shutting the door. i willed my collapse into the door, bracing myself with open hands. lined with self-pity, i announced. "i am going to die a virgin."  
  
jarring laughter erupted from the bedroom, its futile filter, failing. conscious of who's lips it emitted from. trying to be recondite about my embarrassment. "i didn't hear you come in." i stressed, averting my eyes, affixing my sight on the shadow throbbing in laughs. panting, to stable his breathing repetition.   
  
"of course not"! he exuberantly exclaimed. a failed attempt. i was afflicted with shame. as i receded to the couch, in a dejected stagger. enfolded arms, placement on my poorly covered chest. i suppose leaving the shirt open was a little much. tormenting myself lack for of foresight, bereft of his compliance. i blamed my lasciviousness. i did set myself up for this fall. but i tried. i found myself in doubt. what does he want from me? not a lover, then what? i was barely aware of duo removing his shoes, before he penetrated the kitchen. i gawked at the fluid contours of the candle's flame. sinking deeper into my awkward fault. his discourse interrupting my sullen introspection. "when did you go shopping?" he asked loudly. pausing for a response. i offered none. never lifting my gaze. "what's the special occasion?" i grimaced. he was succeeding agitating the suffrance. i heard the hum of the freezer compartment being exposed. "score!" he vehemently cried. his stifled footfalls, feet clad in cotton. nearing my disposition. in spite of my salacity, he situated his body close to me, arranging leg over my own. i constrained my stature, muscles tightening under his taction. i leered at him, scorn imbuing my features. he drove the tip of the spoon into the carton of ice cream, cradled in his handles. scooping an excessive amount. bringing the spoon to his mouth, but not inserting it, rather opening his mouth. tongue sliding over his lips. lapping it up. licking profusely. coiling his tongue around the metal. i tried to thwart away my arousal. he slowly turned to me, eyeing me mischievously. his mouth went ajar.   
  
"so good it'll make your dick hard!" he taunted, coy snickering. i jutted my legs foward. spurring in an upright stance. firmly placing my bare feet on the floor, in a swift pace. enclosing myself in the bathroom. resolutely closing the door behind me, turning the door's lock. absurd notion, indecent entirely. but things already transgressed into a complete catastrophe. why not. "that can't be healthy, you know!" i heard his faint deride. i sat on the bath tub's porcelain rim. unlatching the belt, unfastening the button, lowering the zipper. onanism easily achieved. though almost retarded my the lesion on my finger from the flame. inciting pain, enabling an ungainly coercion. i ejaculated. enmeshing the mucilaginous seminal fluid in my right palm. mooring my pants. not bothering to tighten the belt in place. remerging into the living room, i regained my pose on the couch. he was still consuming the ice cream, unaltered. i swabbed the contents in my palm on his knee, dragging my hand down to his thigh.   
  
"you do know these are yours, right?" he angled his face at me. grinning perplexed.   
  
"i want them back, then." i soberly proclaimed. duo was obedient, rising, with one hand initiated the button to become undone. the pants becoming slack around his hips, tugging them off. then repelling them at me. calmly sitting back down at my side. he immersed the spoon into the carton again, devouring another serving. i became taut when he leaned closer me, mouth hovering at my ear. nervous tension. is this ...  
  
"mmmmmmm ..." overplaying luxuria. i was balked. defeated. discomfited with his toying. i stiffly left his company, withdrawing to my room. in hope seclusion would numb these emotions. i spread the sheets back, and in shuffling gait, i concealed myself in the bedding. propped on one side, displaying my back to the door way, attempting to elude his further mockery. time lapsed. pale light from the doorway faded. creaks of footsteps through the hall. "if i didn't know better, i'd say you were trying to seduce me." he vexed. frustration. i hurled pillow, that was conveniently placed at my side, at his face. soon the bed fathered both of our weight. his hand snared on my waist, light pressure. urging me on my back. hesitantly he made our margin nonexistent. shrouding my lower abdomen with his arms.   
  
"you can be very charming when you want to be," he whispered. coaxing our converge further, thinly smearing his lips over the flesh of my neck. twining our legs. situating his arm on my torso, his fingers creeping over my stomach, inserting beneath my shirt. i quivered. he was only adorned in the scanty fabric of his boxers, worn and thin. exerting against me. his open hand sliding, descending down my chest. two fingers catching on the edge of my denim jeans. his movement ceased. i closed my eyes for the last time that night. and mused, if could just pretend that you love me, this night would lose all sense of fear. but why do i need you to love me?   
  
  
  
commence. [ 11:25 p.m. ] 


	26. October 20th, AC 197 assertive

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com. or if you are interested in reading other characters' blogs or interested in applying for a character please go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
10/20/AC 197 [ assertive ]  
  
the continual thrum of the deluge of the shower's spray. brusque sudden seethes. downpours colliding into the porcelain, as his body shifted, motions of the bathing. i sat up, my back supported by the head board's structure. the sheets rolling off my chest, the warmth concealed in the sheets was diminishing. i lolled my head against the wall. opened my mouth wide with a deep inhalation. maudlinness of my emotive, cracking my demure. i breathe you. i taste you. i cannot live without you. i just cannot take anymore this life of solitude. saturnine sentient. being compelled by implications. were my actions too assertive? was i foolhardily devouring his specious statements. a smirk creased my lips. temerarious rapt. my regard for his authentic disposition momentarily spent. discovering it more difficult to keep my consideration of him integral, with the continuity of his blatant exploitation of my propension. i superficially toyed how to obtain my vindication. grin spreading.   
  
unduly i set the door aside, the torrent of water masking my footfalls inaudible. the sting of his deprecation from the antecedent morning, resurfacing. i was acquiescent. clutching my toothbrush, frosting its bristles. scrubbing my teeth vigorously, scrapping my tongue. my eyes darted to section of the stall where the curtain was absent. a mere slit. i able to disambiguate his shadow cast, imbued on the water speckled tiles. i discharged the minty suds from my mouth. deviating my eyeshot, surveying the toilet while swabbing the foam residue from my chin with the back of my wrist. reckoning the reverberations if i dared to manipulate the metallic handle. i inserted the tooth brush into its designated fixture, secured on the wall. in a fluid motion, extending the index finger downward, stiff. i meticulously pushed down on the horizontal node. triggering the swirling of the fluid in the ceramic bowl. the flushing consuming an abundance of water, undulated, an acute fluctuation in water temperature. his shriek piercing, resounding in the diminutive confiding. his frenzied profile falling against into the shower curtain, briefly sustaining his weight as he desperately clung to the plastic sheet. the curtain buckled, each ring snapping free. the rim of the bath tub being his pitfall, his naked body repelled onto the linoleum. the wet smack of his raw flesh enabled by the violent impact. i crossed my arms, grazing my chest. grinning, relishing in my accomplished. the plastic sheet shrouding him, mostly lining his chest. his member exposed. conspicuously, i gawked at his display of limbs. his locks sopping wet. slicked on to floor, shoulders, upper chest. he coaxed water from his face, gazing up at me with wide eyes. he trailed the path of my lingering sight. abrupting spurring into motion. bending his knees, contracting, drawing his thighs to his lower abdomen. amassing the supple plastic around his contours. obstructing my leer. quickly arranging his chassis on his feet. standing. laggard strides reverse in direction.   
  
"take a picture, it'll last longer ." he beseeched. questionable chuckles, thin and forced. he went rigid, a glint in my eyes, indicating my travailing feat that i was about to embark on. before i could even dislodge my stance, he phrenetically sprinted out of the room. the shower curtain and his drenched loose hair trailing behind him, wafting in the air with each curt motion. cultic scud pursuit. i ascertained him temporarily suspended in action within the hall, instigating dire attempts to secure the malleable cloth around his hips. i exploited the moment. fervorous, i lunged forward, clenching down on the curtain, vigorously pulling. if i was not so determined, i would have laughed. i was riveted. he managed to detach the plastic sheet from my grip, liberal in his dash. fleeing from me in foment. a promiscuous sardonic grin shamelessly exhibited on my features. reinitiating my vehement hunt of my wayward paramour. desire at his heels. i swiftly stalked him. his folly was running into the dense magnitude of the kitchen. in sheer panic he managed to position himself on the opposite side of the table. a quiet moment. staring directly at each other, wide eyes. i firmly placed my open palms on the table's edge. his bare chest was heaving. i shifted my body from side to side with feline acuity to enchant his perception of my proceeding action. i smirked. he cringed. i exerted my body over the table's span, ensnaring duo in my arms. his legs buckled, together, we toppled over. triggering a chair to careen with us to the floor. he squirmed, and was on his feet before i was. i hindered him from eluding me once more, snatching, and locking his bony ankle in my fingers. he faltered, tripping, falling on the floor of the living room. i sprung to my feet, he was still disorientated, applying my clutch to the plastic cloth once more. more malice. nothing would deter me. his leg jutted out. impacting with my shin. i was unaltered. the warring over the coveting of the shower curtain lapsed. it was now in mid air between our struggling, pulled tight. i tilted my arms. inclining the stretched curtain at a steeper slant. bowing my chest, angling my head beneath the cloth, my eyes bestowing their gape at his bouncing anatomy. duo noticed. his muscles went taut, relenting his grasp. it was in my full possession now. i threw it over my head. my smirk softening into an incriminating smile.   
  
he averted his eyes from my leer. articulated as my marvel was, it still was dominated by sexual discernment. my gaze violating, stripping him. i set my hands on my hips. scanning his physique, sprawled on the floor. memorizing the contours of his endowment. my eyebrows were arched, i was breathing through the margin of my lips. I pulled my eyes' sight up, to briefly meet his profaned orbs. he sheepishly inched away, reaching to couch. attaining a pillow. he placed it over his crotch. i was displeased. rapidly, i motioned forward, depleting the gap he just created, approaching even closer. my hands encircling his ankles, tugging him forward. bending down, my body hovering over his. i slid my forearms underneath his thighs, raising his form to my chest, perching him on my shoulder. the cushion fell free. my left arm's angle nestled against his fundament. capturing him entirely. he was limp, servile. relishing, as his genitals firmly bore down against my bare shoulder. i walked to the bedroom, with him slung over my shoulder.   
  
i tossed him in the center of the bed. his body colliding with the mattress, the bed springs moaning at the sudden impact. i stood before the foot of the bed. his eyes aimlessly adrift. vision never upon me. i will make you look at me, duo. my knees stiff stance crumpled, imposing on the mattress. extending my hands flat over the comforter's bulges. do you know what you are doing to me? i dragged my body further up the mattress. do you even care? i lined his bare lithe form with my own body. covering him. consuming him. i will make you feel. feel what i feel. shrouding the sheets over my back. insserting my chin in the crook of his right shoulder. my lips grazing his cheek. can you try to understand? i skimmed the side of his face with my curled fingers, knuckles lightly indenting his soft flesh. my fingers ventured further down. tracing his biceps. fully groping his chest, limber, like a coiled rope. cupping my hand over his outer thigh, motioning back and forth. he tightly shut his eyes. i was disinclined to remove my fingertips. he never reopened his eyes. i further entangled our embrace, and shut mine as well.   
  
the thin haze of slumber was easily shaken free. he was awake. his erratic breathing notified me. spreading my legs, straddling his waist, i lifted my chest. my knees pressing further into the bed, under the weight of my new position. i kept my head lowered, smoothing back, slithering. passing over his lap. resting my hind on his legs. i hunched my back, gliding my parting lips down the gaunt of his chest, to his lower abdomen. he quivered. form gone frigid. i ceased. succumbing. retiring my head on the supple tissue of his stomach. he sighed. prodding my discontentment. if you will not appease me physically, reassure me emotionally? i whispered. "what are we?"   
  
"when gundam pilots go wild" he quipped, facetious intent. i felt my face contort. none. please. i tried again.   
  
"what am i to you?" deafening silence. deafeat screaming. i erected, disengaging in his taction. i vacated the bed, wounded. standing on my own two feet. the mattress creaked. his arms abruptly enveloped my waist. embroiled our entities, converging them once more. i was pacified for seconds. trying to engross myself, to decipher his complicated masquerade. interrupted. i felt my pants tight around my hips, before the tugging finally disheveled their state. cotton material fluttering around my bare legs. i stood still, not even to glance at him. i analyzed his motives. playful in nature, yes. sexual, yes. was he notifying me that he wanted sex? no. i crouched down, gripping my boxers and sleeping pants, reinstating their according draping against my waist.   
  
"you could have just asked." i evenly announced. a laugh resonated beyond my shoulder. i pulled and twined the pant's drawstrings as i exited the room.   
  
later he motioned to leave. i was opposed. completely averse. i did not utter a word of protest, i wanted to comply to his whims. i escorted him to the parking lot, adjacent to my apartment complex. he impassively encased himself within the vehicle. i meant to emitted an endearing farewell. but thoughts kept imputing to how i would be lulled to sleep without his form meshed to mine. i was already dangerous dependent, i turned to walk away. a raucous blare, originating from duo's car. i confronted him once more. his gestures and smile, beckoning. i got in the car.   
  
we penetrated his impeccable dwelling. free from all blemishes, cleaned and accommodated. duo went crazed. bewildered as he further investigated the premise, assuring himself that it was his place. in a blind awe, he raged through out the rooms. tearing things from their array. "don't just stand there! help me!" i was dumbfounded by his commanding plea. i wanted to accede. i searched for an item to displace, a single glass adorning the counter. i stiffly batted at it, repelling it with my forearm. the keen resounding of the shards separating from its according fixture. scattering on the tiled kitchen floor. "don't break anything!" his dry scream, evoking dull shame. he was immersed in the back rooms. i got on my haunches, collecting the pieces with delicacy. discarding them into the trash. he was still involved. i removed a glass, intact, from the cabinet, twisting the knob, placing the container under the tap. water filling the void. i meandered to the couch. manipulating the remote so the television came on. an appliance omitted from my household. i altered the channel to a current news program. i heard him approach, and thought nothing of it. sight fixed on the screen, flickering with images. he imbued his frame on my lap. slanting pose. the nape of his neck able to incline on the cushioned backing of the mass of furniture. i tried not to savor this disposition as much as i longed to. absently watching the television, i brought the rim on the glass to my mouth, tilting it. colorless fluid splashing into my mouth.   
  
"heero, what's poking me in the thigh?" he uttered distinctively. my throat contracted. pushing the water from my lips. i quickly maneuvered my arm around duo, placing the glass under my chin. in time to catch the expectorated water. i narrowed my eyes at him, water trailing down my mouth. he suddenly reproduced the remote. waving it before my face. "my mistake." he stated dryly. robust laughter ensued.   
  
we watched the cable channels filtered by the television screen, two hours elapsing. he finally removed his body from my own. stalking into his bedroom. i hesitantly followed. he withdrew a black tank top and grey sweat pants for me to change into. he was climbing into bed when i started to strip down. i heard the rustle of sheets. i adored being in his second skin. i began to fold my own garments and place them on his dresser. i paused to the sound of him snickering. i glanced over my shoulder to see him peering out under the comforter. only one of his eyes was visible. the clump his body under the bedding, dulling his contours, afflicted with slight tremors. more stifled laughter. i turned to finish folding my shirt. crawling into bed with him, i firmly stayed on my own designated side. scorning the gap between our bodies, yet finding it necessary. maybe i crafted it as a precaution. soft snores. he was lulled to sleep before i was. my mind snared on the thought of hilde, was not she residing here as well? i did not witness a trace of her. sleep was surrounding me. i gazed at duo's inactive shape. without the conscious trigger, my eyes were stationed upon the painting. i did purchase it. yet i never really looked at it. i marveled. with heavy eyes. wondering why he was attracted to that particular piece. suddenly scared. what if i never bought that painting for him?   
  
  
  
commence. [ 11:31 p.m. ] 


	27. October 23rd, AC 197 allure

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com. or if you are interested in reading other characters' blogs or interested in applying for a character please go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
10/23/AC 197 [ allure ]  
  
he was naked from the waist down. roused from sleep, that recognition struck my senses. in the duration of slumber, our personifies coordinated. his lissome gaunt legs snarled with mine. i decreed my eyes lidless, gaping at his cadaverous demeanor. his features lax. the bedclothes knotted around our meshed bodies. i abstained from palpation, willing my body listless, hands drawn idle, close to my side. my coveting was gnawing at me. his shallow breaths, the subtle rising and falling of his chest, fruition as i basked in his body heat. incognizantly, he transferred from one position to another, biasing his weight further onto my chest. i went rigid. retaining my breath. eyeing him in veneration. i balled my fists, to hinder any probing to be done by docile fingertips. my body remained limp, i lurched my neck up, raising my head. the nape of my neck forsaking its cradle from the pillow's malleable form. his head was posed on my upper torso. an inert hand strewn over my midsection. i exhaled sharply. the gust of air emitted from my mouth, jostling a few locks of his hair out of place. innumerable thoughts swelling. i silenced them all, so i could focus on the light drone of his heart contracting, solely. oblivion fading, to the realization of how frail his body was, familiarizing with human fragility. i had to be reminded where his heart beat was coming from. his chest concealing my own. was mine lost? lying the awake when the morning comes, i taste in fear. please do not leave. if i do not trust you i am alone for now. i sensed each pulsation, coercing blood through his veins. if i told you that i was bottle fed, would you nurse me? lost is the heart beat where i come from. i nestled my head back into the pillow's soft support. continue the waiting. i wanted to wake you. i was fearful of rejection. i abjured. sidled through the sheets. retracting from his encompass. meticulously in not rousing him. i will say good bye to the sleeping one.   
  
i felt my presence was opprobrious, embeded in his domicile. i sojourned at the threshold of bedroom door. my gaze versed him, i doubted i would ever grow weary of of empolying my stare to his essence. i perceived that i did not belong, infringing his crux. yet i was reluctant to leave. i peered at the interval, lacking my body. i apprehensively cupped my palm over my mouth, applying pressure. his torpid figure entangled in the bedding, radiating serenity. my hand disheveled. faccidly falling at my side. i felt my eyebrows knit, a rueful glower. i needed to detach. avoiding razing the chastity. lowering my eyes, i sighed, commencing my saunter to the lavatory. hesitant in removing his clothes from my body, ephemerally registering that those pieces of attire was all i possessed of him. i tried to nullify that standpoint, as stepped into the shower stall. concealing the nude configuration, musing how my plastic water obstructing sheet was still disarrayed on the kitchen floor. the blunt intonation of shower's directed pour. the gelid liquid, beating, routing, streaming over my form. i lathered detergent produced for hair into my scalp. rinsing the soapy suds from my locks. clamor, a rush of foot falls. the bathroom door yielding. "duo! i am going to be late! i'll close my eyes-" a female voice impulsively blurted. i was about to utter an objection, the curtain violently pulled to the side, a sleek soma climbed in, directly under the shower head. i stumbled back, bemused. rigidly rammed my frame against stall's wall. cramming every contour.attempting to widen the margin of or raw flesh. i even stiffly lolled my head against the tiles, pressing my cheek against the plaster. i disposed the aversion of my eyes, taut, aimlessly affixed on the amassed creases of the shower curtain. i tried to form words, but the predicament hinder my processing. an unintelligent incoherent utterance dispelled from my mouth. the resound of my tone did not register. hilde's ablution cohesion ceased, she glanced over her shoulder, timorously peeled one eye open. my eye oscillated in its socket, confronting her gawk, lids receding. a sharp shrill, as she relinquished the shower encasement, charging through the curtain. my stance was wavering, my foothold buckling over the slippery tiles. i flailed my arms in a vain trail to reclaim my footing, but the basis was shifting. my feet flew out beneath body. my back skid down plaster coated stall wall, my skin painfully sticking during my rapid descend. a mournful bellow resounded from the sliding taction of my skin and the wall. proceeded by a strident thud.   
  
the chaotic array of my limbs, scattered on the dank floor, my legs protruding from the stall. the torrent of the shower's spray pummeling my denude chest. recumbent, indolent. i faintly heard my name, through hilde's frenzy of vacating the bathroom. the door went ajar.   
  
"what's going on? what the-hello!" duo's candied coated tone resounded. her urgent footsteps swept past him, his slowly drew closer. i cringed when i saw him approach. i was rendered static. i glanced up at him, my eyes glimmered with ravaged resolution. his tawdry inspection, scrupulous surveillance sealed with a wanton grin. mouth parting, his tongue skimming the surface of his lips, with the addition of a sultry laugh. was he taunting me once more? he altered his pose. "is this a private party or can i join you?"   
  
my position was fixed, round-eyed, concentrating on his motions. the shower's spray still discharging. his fingers snared a towel, separating it from the rack as he continued to walk towards my display. standing over me, bowing his chest, lowering nearer to me. i involuntarily felt my muscles strain. i somewhat slanted aside. with a flick of his wrist he discontinued the flow of water. i exerted my chest forward, in response to the icy air wafting over my profile. he repelled the absorbent cloth at my face, obstructing my vision, traces of light laughter. i heard his footsteps fade. as i finally mustered the vitality to rise, i caught fragments of muffled conversing. my limbs were sore. i staggered out of the shower stall. securing the towel around my hips. a more distinct vocalization, directed at me. contrite and swift.   
  
"i'm sorry, heero ... i didn't see anything i swear!" hilde beseeched.   
  
"i did." stressing each syllable. "don't worry, heero," duo asseverated. followed by, "you have nothing to be ashamed of." he exuberantly extolled. i jerked my head upright. facial features exhibiting a blank expression, seen in the mirror perched over the sink. slightly perturbed. diffidence diffusing. slovenly concealing it as i emerged from the lavatory. lacking certainty on how i should act or feel around him. i undauntedly initiated my selection of attire from his selection. removing a simple black t-shirt, nearly ebony jeans, and a belt. i nudged the towel free, jutting my legs through the accordling placement, tugging them up to my waist. motioning to loop my arms through the shirt. i hunched forward my hands available to fasten the pants and belt. but he enraptured me from behind, his arms reaching through my own, gliding to my crotch. his fingers urged the zipper up, using both hands, grazing my lower abdomen, he coaxed the button through the slit. tightening my belt, fastening the node in the third hole. i went taut, resisting the urge to incline back into him. warring with the impulsion of seizing his hands as they smoothed over my thighs. he made stride in the reverse direction, i angled my body to confront him. inquisitively marveling. a smile manifested with demure, its latent content ambiguous.   
  
at school our history class was still fully engaged in presentations. ours was the first, and the only one friday. apparently i was excessive in my public address occupying majority of the period. i was unnerved. witnessing their speeches, hearing their commentary occurrences i took part in. the youth i fought for was widely incorrect, their feelings trifling. i am still disillusioned. i flinched every time a peer uttered a word in regard to wing zero and its supposed selfles schivalrous pilot. duo was relishing in it. blatantly inserting his comments, corrections, and questions. amusing himself overwhelmingly when he submitted queries of the deathscythe's pilot.   
  
"wait, wait, wait. here's the biggie. which is better, deathscythe, or wing zero?" i was oblivious to fact that the gundam's name had become household. reticent, i spied him out of the corner of my eye, analyzing his expression. i raised my eyebrows when she began to pronounce the word wing, duo hindered her conveyance. "wrong!" he dictated. "but thanks for playing!" gesturing with his hand. the girl protested. my body was slowly becoming numb from the words emitted.   
  
"the pilot of the wing zero gundam is nothing short of heroic in my eyes . risking his life for all those people. ..." duo stifled laughter. i was not offended. oddly enough the afford that was stinging was her praise.   
  
"he touched me deeply." the female terminated. further fazed. surreal.   
  
"then you should call the police!" duo jeered. jarring me from cataleptic state. he did not relent, rather continued with his interrogation. "do you think the pilot of wing zero is sexy?" i rigidly snapped my head at him, face contorting. silently pleading him to cease. i glanced wearily at our instructor, abashed. he had been gaping at us this whole time, astonished. he understood.   
  
  
  
  
i posed dejected in my designated row in physical education. inflicted with the sudden realization of how trivial this toiling was. my arms interlaced pressing on my chest. the incessant pounding basket balls into the polished gymnasium floor made his approach go undetected.   
  
"i'm here" he grated. i recoiled, dumbfounded. the encounter unexpected. altering my inclination to face him. a coy smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. moments later we were deployed into makeshift teams. the game commenced. my peers bias of me fading, transgressing into impartiality. relying on me, momentarily bestowing their trust so they could win the meaningless game. the sense of camaraderie on the court was not mutual. i only complied to avoid the p.e. teacher's gripes. the ball was flung in my direction, i intercepted it effortlessly, and in nimble strides maneuvered my way to the basket ball hoop. scored points made by my hands was imminent, but duo dove into me. the impact caught me completely off guard. the collision brought us careening to the ground, i was clutching on to ball. he made several attempts to illicitly seize the ball. i quickly extended my legs, to thwart him off. he would not relent.   
  
"duo, we are on the same team." i firmly remonstrated. he savagely latched on to my waist, vehemently trying to pry the ball free. the strain of the instructor's whistle shrills. nothing seemed to phase him. i applied my open palm to his face, exerting it with force. his grip was faltering, he desperately fought back. inserting his incisors in tender flesh of my fingers. my marred hand shrank back. he was now fully on me, squirming, kicking, swinging. he displaced the ball from my grip. leaping off me, they contentedly strolling away. i was in awe.   
  
  
  
"good hustle, good hustle." he uttered in the impregnate locker room. i was amidst pulling on his jeans, they just slid over my knees when his hand pushed repeatedly against my fundament, and words trailing. my features questioned him. hushed, the whole locker went mute. the vulgar assessing eyes of our male peers fixed on us. i endeavored to be apathetic to their emotive. "nothing to see here", he ushered with evident satire. "move it along." insolent audacity. snickers of temerity. he flashed a smile before proceeding to his locker, rows down. is it wrong that i find it morbidly amusing that the males whose lockers are in close proximity with mine, are now visibly displaying discomfort. the stigma deepens. greatly deluded they are, to entertain the notion that they could entice me like duo.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 4:46 p.m. ] 


	28. October 24th, AC 197 presumptuo...

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com. or if you are interested in reading other characters' blogs or interested in applying for a character please go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
10/24/AC 197 [ presumptuous ]  
  
i lay in asunder. this lacking is engendering a void. validation nonexistent. i do not know what words to say, how to conduct my actions. i am withdrawn. inconsistency devising demeanor distant. i do not mean to be rendered remote. nescience to your intent, your body speaks, but your mouth is mute. which do i bestow my trust in? sometimes, they contradict. i am subordinating to your arbitrary caprices, no matter how addle they alter, i will supervene. the cultivation of imposed education was elapsing. our mathematics period. refining attention solely on the instructor, the paucity brattle. a single number two pencil wheeling across the hard floor. conveniently yielding motion against my foot. diverting my regard to the possessor, my features tentative. provisionally bowing my pose in the desk, fingers trapping the stem of the writing utensil. still occupying my lowered position, he emanated from his chair, crouching on his haunches in the middle of the aisle , our proximity swollen. i was espial to his surefooted smirk, before his lips separated, enabling a stifled tone. "let's say we go for a spin after school?" i thinly cocked my head to the side. faces drawn nigh. "i just had the greatest idea." he arched his brow. a solitary nod in swift curt. i indifferently repelled the pencil, aimed at his desk, reengaging in an upright stance. he sequenced, properly situated in his desk.   
  
the bell resonated. duo promptly vacated the classroom. my languor brought me into the filling hall, his effervescent footfalls carried his body down the extent of the corridor. my ambulation was deferred. irked by my rate he reversed, wove his arm through my elbow angle and torso. i succumbed to his conduce, tethered by inconspicuous rope. we advanced through the entranceway, rushed in step. incited to his vehicle's passenger door. the car in motion, his maneuvering evoked more contemptuous attention by pedestrians. prevailing inclination did not concur with exasperation to the motoring of his intermediation. i was too absorbed introspective arbitration. i suspected he was devoid of direction. only once did his gaudy procession jarred me from my passive position, when he nearly clipped decrepit female, i glanced at him wincing, repressing my rebuke.   
  
he stationed the car accordingly between the designated parking space, signified by white strips of paint. i gawked at fluorescent sign: skin art studios. his driver side door shut, i apprehensively exited the vehcile's bowels. deficient of his avidity. he tarried beside the door, as i neared he clasped my hand lightly urging me. the decor was brash, i was captivated. not cognizance that duo transgressed motionless, my body careened into his still stance. he laughed softly then detached the taction of our hands. he confronted the counter, i drifted away. aimlessly roaming the orifice of the establishment. scanning the innumerable designs of tattoos they are capable of producing, displayed on laminated sheets of papers, covering the walls. i conjectured the reasoning behind our venturing into this parlor was that duo desired to have indelible pigment scarred on to his skin. he was volatile, so this whim did not phrase me much. i cradled a binder, further displaying more aesthetic endeavors. page after page, all the impressions were originated from tribal or ethic inspiration. futilely selecting which mark i would like to adorn his body. i envisioned intricate lines henna imbued on his hands. those hands skimming my body. i tried not to smile. to hide my animated arousal. which was easily done, when i was reminded that duo's particular taste would have him be inclined to stain his body with a garish hackneyed skull and with two crossed bones symbol, or some naked female wielding a scythe. i cringed, that would not appease my esthetic derived preference. my concentration was compelled.  
  
"this guy over here" duo announced. i did not consider he possible variation he had the intent of myself getting ink embedded into my skin. i began to toy with the idea, only for a brief moment. duo continued, "wants 'insert here' on his ass, how much would that cost?" his outlandish manifesto was incomprehendible. i felt the pallor taint my epidermis. i glowered at him, my eyebrows contorted into a scowl. he was concealing his amusement. the man gestured to us unevenly.   
  
"are you two ..." his query was obstructed.   
  
"next? yes, i think so ." his rapid response. my sudden vulnerability habored vexation. i abruptly shut the binder with an excessive amount exertion, proceeding to allot it upon the table i took it from. trailing them into another room. duo was soon trammeled within the chair, fashioned solely for this line of business. he was handed several vials of metal studs, ranging in thickness and shape. it dawned on me that he was here to get a piercing. he selected a metallic hoop, scanty in radius, paying no heed to the man's warnings not to select that as the trail ear ring. his sight was affixed on me as the man cleansed the lobe, pricking with needle recently removed from an alcoholic solution, coaxing the metal into the new puncture. i countered his stare, devoid of envincing emotion, not hinting at my scorn or uncertainty. he leapt from the chair, readily bound across the room, assessing his new addition in the mirror. i meandered to his formal spot, the certified cosmetic piercer complied. displaying the same glass containers to me, i selected to most recommended one. a bland stud, stainless steel ball. i caught duo's gaze in mirror's reflection. he grinned. we made our way to the exit, the clerk cleared his throat.   
  
"you only paid for one." i was obtusely stunned, consumed by a blank idiom. apparently my assumption was incorrect. duo had just wanted me there. i reversed my course, muttered an apology and formally purchased my piercing.   
  
in his vehicle my insecurity was heightening. i faintly heard the utterances emitted by duo's mouth, the chorus to the melody that the radio was presenting. i was pawing at my inflamed earlobe, scraping the metal rod along the wounded flesh. slightly aware of the blood lacing my fingertips. the steady rhythm of throe, slow and mad. only agitated more so by my imbecility. how could i infer he wanted me to be pierced as well. it made me realize how i was exigently striving for some symbolization of what we have. my compressing became more violent, i winced at the pain induced. actuating my vigilance to the car's motions. i did not fully think before i vocalized.   
  
"duo, my apartment is nowhere near here." i modestly objected, filtering and calculating my intonation.   
  
"we're not going back to your place." almost mimicking my pitch. i refrained from speech. becoming quiescent. introverted for the remainder of the commute to his home, only the music sufficing for sound. somehow i felt it was not loud enough to drown out the relling reproach in my head.  
  
upon entry of his domicile i retreated into the lavatory, clutching my ear, closing the door shut after me. critically inspecting my ear's abrasion in my mirror image bathed in sterile light. the lobe was swollen, the scarlet crust caked on around the metal rod protruding from my skin. i yanked toilet tissue from the roll. amassing it in my palm, with my other hand, i uncapped the bottle of cleansing fluid the clerk offered. sopping the absorbent paper with the solution. i brought my hand to my ear, blotting around the lacerated tissue, dousing the gash. ignoring the strident stinging sensation. i gazed at my lackluster eyes, facial features lax, blank. i was suddenly repulsed by the manipulation of my flesh. the drenched clump of cellulose pulp slipped from my retention. i clenched down on my auricle, a pang. my thumb and index finger on either side of the ear lobe, surrounding the metal rod, irefully, violently weighing down. i did not care. i wanted to tear, pull, rip it from my flesh. it resumed hemorrhaging, profusely pouring blood. coaxing over my struggling fingers. drops of blood fell in to the sink, oozing over the porcelain, streaming down to the drain. i ceased, exasperated. i hunched over the sink facility, supported by my bloodied palms. i exhaled sharply. i can not endure this for much longer.   
  
i needed to cleanse the bathroom, i gingerly twisted the knob of the faucet, placing my soiled hands under the designated down pour, copiously rubbing my hands together. proceeding to cup them, amassing water in my palms then releasing it over the high trails of my expelled body fluid. the water swirling around the drain, stained pink. as for the blood imbuing the tiles, i could not use the pale tinted towels. i removed his black t-shirt from body, improvising with the opaque fabric, i began to daub the crimson up. the water was still running when i heard his voice, filtered by the closed door. "heero...come to bed," a complaining command. i knew an excessive amount of time had lapsed. appeased with my scavenge, i removed my pants, and slipped the white t-shirt he had provided over my head. motioning to part the door past the mirror, i caught a glimpse of my redden ear, a flicker of spurn, i enveloped it in my hand. as ushered the door open, pausing to gape at the mattress, supporting his weight. he went awry, his upward extending arm yielding the bedding, exposing his form, somewhat, creating a gap to fit my body. i was reluctant, yet still, i flicked the light switch enabling darkness to shroud the room. my foot falls carried my body to the opposing side of the bed. i parted the sheets for myself, producing distance between our shapes. his long deep breath exhaled. i was stiff, my muscles taut, i rested my hands, overlapping, on my midsection. unable to lid my eyes. the mattress trembled. duo's body drew nearer, timorously. i reverted to the coercion of my configuration in the same direction. reinstating our margin. his profile closed in again, i widened our proximity. the repetition of this process was ephemeral, the span of the mattress of the bed was insufficant. i tried to avert the fall, futilely latching on to an object, a pillow inept to equilibrate my mass. i impacted with carpeted floor, the pillow landing on my chest. he leaned over the bed, gazing at my plight, a coy smile brimming. i glowered, my hands jutted up, forcefully disheveling the top quilt. crawling across the floor, to a wider distance from the bedstead, i threw my body down, stuffing the pillow beneath my head, knotting the blanket around my legs, enveloping my chest with it. my side being the base of my pose, displaying my back to him. precluding his existence i squeezed my eyes shut, ignoring the blaring pain of my ear, encased between my head and the cotton clad cushion.   
  
i wanted to leave, but i remained on the floor. i did not want to offend him, maybe i am too presumptuous, entertaining the idea that the absence of my body in this apartment would cause him distress. i know nothing, not were i stand, not how you feel. why cannot i will myself to leave. why cannot i explain? just in case, that is why. just in case, if you feel the same.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 8:59 p.m. ] 


	29. October 25th, AC 197 assuagemen...

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com. or if you are interested in reading other characters' blogs or interested in applying for a character please go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
10/25/AC 197 [ assuagement ]  
  
i woke to warmth, not warmth derived from cloth nor electric facility, warmth radiating from flesh, a human embrace. swathed in his rapture, betoken by his lissome frame. i refined my vision, his body twined with mine, snarled, our convergence shrouded in the comforter, incubating stodgy ardor. disarrayed on the floor. dry contentment, the imposed taut of my dorsum, twinge of pain residing on the tissue of my ear, ignominious throe, could not tarnish this sullen providential inclination. i barred my forearm around his torso, nudging duo closer. his head already at the crook of my shoulder, now lightly pressing on my face, his inert lips smudging my cheek. my shallow breaths spoke his name, consumed by reverie entirely contaminated by his emanation. the room swelling with miasma. his lips parted, tracing my buccal, murmurs, incoherent, brooding with melancholy. a mouth's dilatorily motions, grazing my cheek. was this the consequence of my jonah? i summoned my hand to his face, smoothing my thumb over his trembling lips, conservatively. i obtained no merit to absorb these fragments. coaxing the cease of his indistinct continuous whispers. saliva residue lining his lips, swabbing on to my finger tips. i meticulously rendered my torso vertical, inclining my back against the wall. his head tumbled from its perch on my shoulder, yielding to my new position, delicately nestling on my chest. i felt his arms contract around my waist. i lolled my head against the wall, bringing my finger tips to my mouth, still coated with his spittle. i smeared the saliva over my lips.   
  
minutes lapsed. he was stirring, gently roused from slumber. he directed his gaze briefly upon me, my surveillance had not altered with his states of consciousness. he applied his lightly balled fists to each of his eye socket's thwarting the hold of sleep, proceeding to slide his open palm over his lips. i subtly raised my brow, wielding awing expression, contorting my features. his face went lax, as he placed his head on my torso again, becoming idle. my hand went to stroke strains of hair free from tress, as my fingertips brushed the locks they abruptly curled, my hand recoiled. he was unaware, i knew i should not touch him. i thinly urged my upper body forward, pushing against gently, he understood and complied. rasing his body, standing. as he walked away his hands glided down his oversized shirt, smoothing out any wrinkles of fabric, elongating the material screen of his body, ending at mid thigh. heightening my cognizance of his slender naked legs, as they made stride to the bathroom. hoisting my weight to burden my feet. i amassed the blanket in my hands, tossing upon the bed, as i reached for the pillow my stance wavered. blood lacing the cotton, dried burgundy. i scooped it up, grip indenting the cushion before heaving it at the mattress. pausing to assess the situation. i simply acted, not even bothering to me to mentally declare i would postpone the analysis. i determined my attire for the day, applying bias to a number of possible alternatives concealed in his closet. selection made, with the addition of removing a clean pair of boxers from his drawer. stripping the scanty garments already occupying my form, eyes fixed on the gap of wall were a closed bathroom door should be stationed. lethargic in cladding my raw profile. vain attempts to evoke an impose another mischance.   
  
fully clothed, i deterred from taking stance in the cavity of his room. wanting to allow him privacy. foot falls flux, penetrating the living room. eyes snared on the listless female form on the couch. the apartment gleaming in its inability of attainment of all our embodiments. i retreated to the door. confronting my own incapacity to entirely detach myself from his association. i traced the sidewalk, viewing his stagnate vehicle, inserting my body into the passenger seat. remaining in expectation of his arrival. i was apprehensive, my arm raised, fingers adjacent, i slid my hand between the car's ceiling and the provided sun visor, lowering it. revealing a dust coated mirror. peering at my ear, blood compact, crusty mass attached to the piercing. crestfallen. in the reflection i saw his legs, again. this time edging their way to the car. i quickly pressed the visor close. and became motionless as he entered. i directed my sight downcast, the engine ignited, the only sound was the mechanical drone of the automobile's inner workings. words would falter to atone.   
  
vested in that educational establishment, our silence was sustained. i apprehended my inherent actuality, irrevocable dependency to him, clutching on to the punctured lobe. erroneous was our integrity, derived from serendipity, flaws manifested, originated from the same source. neglected of mend. i partook in this experience, short in duration, the taste still lingers. i have glimpsed what we could be, and i like it. i do not know if we could ever reach such a point, but i am willing to attempt. is this relationship capable of restoration? what am i saying. have we ever functioned accordingly? would you accept this fraudulent man? am i a man? or a boy. does the blood on my hands achieve masculinity? maturity? is that a whole other division of my mental disturbances, ailments afflicting my counterfeit emotions. is my damaged psyche obstructing us? i am sorry.   
  
my elbows were propped on the desk, hands clasped, cradling my chin. i exhaled audibly, long deep stentorian breath passing through my mouth ajar. even through eyes half lidded i fully observed duo trying to discreetly regard me. i was obliged, i offered a feeble somber smile. his glance lingered, his head veered, bestowing his attention to our geometry instructor. a quarter of an hour later, the bell sounded. i tarried in class room, in till the teacher and myself were the only inhabitants. maneuvering through the impregnate corridor, i exited. sight uncensored, immediately scanning the parking lot, searching to see if his vehicle was still present. he was leaning against the side, chest pressed against the driver's side window glass, arms extending the car's roof. in a state of abeyance, our eyes locked. his stance stiffen upright, my ambulation carried me to that car, somewhat forced.   
  
the vehicle stalled in my apartment complex's concrete span, intended for indolent motored modes of transportation. i lurched my body forward, removing my physical configuration from the car's bowels. to my surprise the engine hushed, and i heard him motion behind me, trailing my footsteps.   
  
exasperated i flung my frame on the couch, situating my arm's angle on the material clad arm of the sofa, pressing my palm, with finger folded over, to my forehead. disconsolated. i witnessed the door close, and duo slip from view. i scantily perceived his toiling beyond my range of sight. i could not will myself to investigate. a flow of time. the overhead light ceased illumination. a light tread of bare feet against the hard wood floor. the couch's cushioned arm succumbed to duo's weight inclining on it. i angled my head, but the lack of light impaired my sight, i could not distinguish anything, except the obscure outline of his profile. he wove his arm around my back, adjoining our bodies. his fingertips skimming the contour of my shoulder, i went taut, bone rigid. overly lifting my chin, angling my head up. his fingers fully expanded, his palm curved, gliding down my chest. he verged closer, breath imposing on the side of my face. his hand exerted, steady weight on my opposing cheek, firmly securing my head's disposition. his liberal strains of hair hinged with my scalp. his moist lingua slid over my ear, my breath was stifled. my hands formed fists, as his tongue coiled around the bloodied piecing. exquisite rack seared my nerves, i winced.   
  
"that hurts." urgently informed, intonation still dry. his reaction was delayed. finally parting, still hosting an intimate proximity.   
  
"do you want me to stop?" a blithesome inquiry. he was fully aware he existed in position of advantage.   
  
"no." i muttered, defeated. i closed my eyes, my visionary sense was already dulled. he commenced osculation on my neck, voluptuously slow. parting, and pushing the tissue lining his mouth. his glossa protruded, slithering over the fleshy folds surrounding his oral cavity. smearing this damp muscular organ over my taut cervix. i slanted my head back, exposing more carnal substance, my pose more incumbent to his entity. my hand snaked up behind his caput, securing at the nape of his neck, coercing onward, attempting to entrap him. he steered away, breaking our taction. suddenly i was assaulted with the conception that i committed a fault. the room was opaque, sound of a feet stepping, covering distance. the extent of space between the couch and the bedroom. i rose from the mass of furniture, earnest desirous strides. conveying to environ him once more.   
  
bedchamber was benighted, i could not disambiguate duo amongst the shadows. i stood under the door frame, endlessly gazing in nocturnal prime. sudden mirth expelled, i still was unable to locate his stance. i timorous stepped in the room, trying to compass him in my arms, perhaps just to touch him. flutter of movement, tactual sensation, an insubstantial trace, ephemeral against my skin. i swiped my arm, only ensnaring a void of air. "won't find me over there."   
  
i pivoted, confronting the source of the strain of words. wrong again. he had already resettled. i perceived his body beyond my back. before i could even motion to turn, his arms wove under my axillas. he reduced his mentum on to the slope of my shoulder, tilting his lower jaw as his digit covertly coasted the interval separation of the sides of the shirt, buttons lining the center of my chest. the tip of his finger persuaded each button's liberation. he brought his hand up, spreading the shirt open wide, his knuckles tracing down my bare chest. he grasped on to my shoulder constricting his grip before peeling my shirt back. discarding it, the garment was soon fostered by the floor. he eased back, my hands went rapidly docile, fumbling to unlatch my belt. as i struggled to tug my pants zipper down, i noticed my vie to disrobe was unmatched. i affixed on his silhouette, benumbed. had i been excessively assumptive, again? my trousers were already encircling my ankles. i gaped at him, extending my hand, a sutble gesticulation. he understood what i was trying to convey. stifled snickers.   
  
"how do you know i'm not?" he was naked. i observed his bare chest before, my eyes slid down to his crotch, the darkness concealing, my desire devouring. i heard the mattress shift with his weight as his boxer shorts fell from my waist. i sojourned, exposed, pleading, lacking confidence. i could not move. the bed creaked, the rows of coil springs contained in the box spring compacting. he enwrapped is arms around the prominence of my pelvis. i was lurched forward, careening descend, the slap of our raw flesh. my body cradled in nude form, full exposure of the body, mutual with my own. in our tousle. his arms squeezed my torso. "hi." he spoke, soft speech produced without full voice, rich lacquered tone. lacking the faculty of articulation, i lunged forward, exerting my mouth to his, roughly conferring a kiss. ravaging his lips, preying on a buss voraciously. he made his inner mouth accessible, i did the same, slanting my head, our glossas overlapping. i clasped his hand with my own, ramming it into the head board, carnal bondage. i besmeared my parted mouth down his cervix, down, on his clavicle. he arched his back, frame suspended from the mattress momentarily. i complied. i receded, rolling off his figure. leering at him intently. he shifted his weight on his knees, crawling to the foot of the bed, lethargically dragging his body over the sheets. he urged me on my back, ascending my legs, straddling on my mid thigh. his anatomy brushing my inner leg, between knee and hip.  
  
a hand gingerly clutched the stem of my partially erect penis. his other hand secured on my hip. i quivered, as he lowered, his locks sweeping over my lower abdomen. there was a pause, i lifted my head desperately searching the dark for his face. his mouth shourded my member, my body convusled. his continuous spiralingly, friction engendering. his tongue whorled around my phallus. i amassed the sheets in my hand, intermittent pules escaping my trembling lips. the blood filling my organ, his oral cavity harboring my rigid erection. i was enable to subdue my continual motions, tempestuous fidgeting. it was imminent. i lifted by chest, he batted me back down. my face contorted. the sensitivity was heightening. i reached for him, my arm fell limp. i had ejaculated, his mouth brimming in my semen. swallowing sensation. he had ingested it. duo raised his head, my penis slid from his lips, coated. i gaped aimlessly at the ceiling, the mattress swayed. he had positioned himself above me, hovering, palms flat, indenting the bed under my shoulders. i shifted my sight, refining on his features, eyes widen, fully observant. a smirk tugging the corners of his mouth.   
  
my arms jutted up, entangling his waist, forcing him down. i imposed another fervent kiss, lips laced with seminal fluid. i nudged him on to his back, he was acquiescent. his form crowning my own, i twined my arms around his midsection, spooning him. clasping my hands. burying my face into his neck, i separated my lips, mouth sealing tender flesh, slight suction. vehement groping, applying pressure to his nipples as my hand glided over his chest, screening in sweat, downward. feeling the tonicity of his abdomen, his gaut. muscles tightening. i inhaled sharply, as my fingers grazed over the tuft of his pubic hair. my other hand clutching his side, forearm locked over his stomach. blindly caressing his genitals. my fingers enveloping this organ, cupped hand coasting. onanist manually conducting. his body twitched, i prompted the stimulation expeditiously. relishing in his garbled whimpering, his member expanding. my mouth engrossed with his neck. his frame stiffen, head lolling back, falling off my shoulder. i saw his teeth piercing his lower lip. he discharged in my hand.   
  
our bodies still heaving, synchronized. i removed my hand, stationing it off to the side, contracting my fingers, smearing the mucilaginous content over my palm. toying with it. his weight was eliminated from my form. i angled my head, abruptly confronted with his lax features. his arms interlaced my chest, legs entangling. adhere to my body. he smiled before gracefully lurching forward, kissing my forehead. lenient inclination open to your complication. "duo." i timidly elucidated. i lidded my eyes. snugly positioning my head against his, exerting my arm beneath him, lifting it, draping it over his side. he pulled the bedding over our bodies.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 11:31 p.m. ] 


	30. October 26th, AC 197 subsequen...

here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com. or if you are interested in reading other characters' blogs or interested in applying for a character please go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!  
  
  
[ hm ... as for the editing ... it is a place where a falter ... would you believe if i stated i scourer this text? well try too ... heh every published writer has an editor, and well i do not.and for the capitalization? i do that intentional, its more for the blog's physical attributes. thank you much though.]  
  
[ lyrics to a perfect circle's "diary of a love song" poses as poetry. ]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
10/26/AC 197 [ subsequent ]  
  
embroiled. bewildered raw limbs. our bodies meshed under a screen of bedding. intermediate mediated moments. concentrating solely on the fluent fluctuations of his chest, the steady repetition of expanding and condensing. surveying his torpid form, straining a nonexistent clairvoyance, searching for the unseen. striving to imbibe, absorb, acquire every irreducible constituent of composites. the accented tang residing in my mouth. i raveled us tighter. he was still subservient to sleep. i closed my right hand, curling my fingers, resistance, his emission desiccate, dense. the adhesion of his seminal fluid coating my inner hand. my fingers contracted, hand turned to fist, concealing. tender reminiscing of the nocturnal occurrence, ineffable. my frame sleek, once saturated in sweat. lingering sensations. sexual encroachment, cordially received. i shifted, staring at him intently, admiring. a smile wrenching my lips. heart growing fonder.   
  
i unknotted our limbs, sidling surreptitiously from drawn sheets. attempting to influence the mattress tremors, triggered by the shifting of my weight, ensuring his indolent state. i went ascendant, the gelid air gnawing at my fully exposed skin. i faced his sleeping form, bowing my torso, securing the comforter at his shoulders. frigid zephyr, as ambulation occurred, leisure in rove. twinge of empowerment, roaming through my residence, naked. musing how i would have never considered such a trivial action before he came. i am still adjusting to the modification of my persona, elicited by duo maxwell. i was acquiescent to the alterations, as long as it appeases him, if he condones, accepts, i am all right. my bare feet pressed on the kitchen's linoleum, motioning to counter, where the sink was situated. manipulating the node, positioning my right open palm under the faucet's down pour, his discharge, thinning, diluting, washing away. i surveyed my palm, water lining, directing it nigh my face. my hand engulfing my cheek, softly bearing down. i inserted my body into the living room, firmly placing foot falls, nearing the computer desk. a fingertip pressing on the corner of a generic spiral notebook, slanting it, dislodging it from the shelf. i clutched on to its edge, sliding it free. my other hand pulling a pen free from a plastic cylinder container. inspiration manifesting.   
  
i worked my way back to the bedroom, he was sustaining the same state. slumber adorning him, his lax features becoming. i lightly imposed my mass on the bed, situating my nude configuration, over the linens, back inclining on the head board, knees peaked in close proximity to my chest. i placed the pen in my mouth, while my hands pulled back the cover of stiff cellulose pulp, revealing a blank sheet of ruled paper. i propped its edges over my crotch, slanting: knee to abdomen. i glanced at him, pen poised over paper, point in the interval of faint blue lines. tranquil ambiance, applying the point to the sheet, tarrying, black ink swelling, bleeding on to the paper. i prompted its removal, directing my eyes, gawking at him to see it he witnessed my blunder. repose kept sound. i timidly affixed my eyes back to the notebook. mustering a deep breath, my wrist engaged in quick fluid motions, slashing the page, scarring its devoid, imbuing ink. i eyed my verse, scrutinizing text in scrawl.   
  
sanity now and beyond me.   
i will always love you.   
however long i stay.   
i will always love you.   
whatever words i say.   
i will always love you.   
there is no choice.   
  
whenever i am alone with you,   
you make me feel whole again.   
  
did this composition convey? i glared at my falter, the first written love was scribbled, bold. more lyrics were cresting. i placed my writing utensil against the paper's span. about to conduct my first strike, his arm jutted out, careening into my gripping hand, propelling it. the balled point rolled across the page, celerity velocity, sweeping stroke, piercing what i just wrote, a jagged ink line slitting. more thrashing, the once serene body now in a torrent of motion. i was unable to distinguish this genuine or a ploy derived from wicked sense of humor. my hand extended, prodding with the pen, flesh of his shoulder indenting, petitioning the pen's point had a sedative prick. his hand swiped, his feeble fingers impacted with the pen. his eyes fluttered open, instantaneously he began ripping at the sheets. i gaped, incompetent, alarmed. disarrayed, his hands conducted frenzied probing. his finger tip skimmed a trenchant metal traverse, adjunct to a silver chain. breath rapid, pulsating. he was clutching on to christian symbol, a scanty summary for the crux of the entire dogma. he rolled on his side, exhibiting his back, displaying the perfectly crafted contours, liberal from cloth. i rapidly discarded the notebook and pen, motioning, abridging. my hand snaked out in solicitude, palm pressing against his dorsum. immediately his muscles rejected my taction, tremulous movement. he lunged forward. i inched closer, drapping my arms around his thorax, ensnaring his arms in my lock. trying so hard to quell. "what is it?" my whispered query.   
  
mute. still in stance. i failed to allay his grief. unable to pacify, not producing an established expression of ease. ineffectual. inadequate. glint of hope, he did not repel my embrace. only toying with that chained charm. i inclined into him further, amplifying my need of his support. in lack, i required. i wanted reassurance, just to hear his voice, to identify if i was to blame. yearning the cognizance of every aspect. a question, a plea, posing as a command. lenient intonation. "tell me something about your past." fault of laughter.  
  
"i was born, i grew up." he disregarded. i examined his features, firmly fixed, concentrating. his eyes deviated, detaching any gaze that held my form. i narrowed my inquiry, cautiously stringing my words together.  
  
"what about your parents?" his throat contacted, as he assembled a reply.   
  
"i never knew them, i don't remember anything like that. i grew up on the streets, that is, until i was taken in by the church, and he-" as his voice began to waver, he relented. snaring on that word. i conjectured he was referring to a person, such thick emotion. a name of importance, lingering affection still lucid. hints of lamentation. my brow lifted ruefully. his hands flinched, cupping the cross, concealing it. my palms smoothed over his scapulas, trailing fingertips. i lowered my face, grazing my lips over his cheek, slight pressure. my hands encased his clutching hand, contracting briefly. he angled his head, slowly, viewing my facial features, i looked on. eyes beseeching. i removed myself from the bed, i receded from the room, to leave him alone with his memories. i will not force or drive it from him. i will be here when he is ready.   
  
  
  
commence. [ 5:26 p.m. ] 


End file.
